His Solitude
by EudaimonArisornae
Summary: Ichigo's death never sat well with Renji, but it was not until 15 years after Aizen's defeat that Renji learned his first clue about the truth behind his disappearance. In his search, Renji discovers that some things are better left forgotten. Ichigo/Renji.
1. Chapter 1

Title: His Solitude

Rating: M (for adult themes)

Characters: Renji/Ichigo

Chapter: 1 of 10

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

Warning: **Spoiler warning**. Follows manga canon until chapter 338 (The Battle of Karakura, in the Fake Karakura arc—shortly after the Kira and Hisagi fights.)

* * *

CHAPTER ONE

To most Shinigami, a span of fifteen years seemed to elapse in the blink of an eye. Many changes had occurred since Aizen's defeat. The once-annihilated Central 46 now had new members to occupy the vacant seats. Each division had a strong, capable, and loyal Captain. Any traces of the corruption and disarray that once plagued the Seireitei a decade and a half earlier had been all but erased, and now times were peaceful and prosaic.

But to Renji, that fifteen year stretch had seemed mercilessly long. The only things that gave him solace were the dull and repetitious missions that kept him busy, occupying his mind and distracting him from becoming too lost within his own thoughts.

Returning from his most recent mission, Renji had barely walked through the senkai gate when he was approached by Captain Kira Izuru. He nodded in greeting, instantly noticing the Captain's solemn earnestness. "I can tell from the look on your face that you've got somethin' interesting t' tell me," he grinned, clapping Kira on the back.

"You're quite right," Kira replied, barely mustering a smile in response. "I apologize for not giving you some time to check in with your Captain, but I'd like to speak with you immediately. I rushed over here as soon as I heard you were returning."

Renji raised an eyebrow. "You want to talk to me that badly, huh? What kind of mission is this?"

The blonde Captain tightened his lips. "It _is_ a mission, but the mission itself is not especially interesting." He paused for a second and looked around him. Apparently not satisfied, he turned back to Renji and gestured at him to follow him. "Come on, let's go to my office and I'll fill you in."

When they reached his office in the Third Division, Kira quietly debriefed him of a situation involving the appearance of a fairly low-level arrancar in a densely populated city. The guardian of the area was from Kira's division, and although it was a close fight, the guardian was able to eliminate the arrancar. However, in the midst of the battle, the Shinigami felt a tremendous flare of reiatsu. It was only detectable for a few seconds, and then all traces of it vanished as suddenly as it had appeared.

To Renji, the story sounded rather mundane, but when Kira mentioned the reiatsu flare, he snapped to attention. "What about the reiatsu?"

A flicker of apprehension crossed Kira's face. "Unfortunately, my squad member isn't that proficient at detecting reiatsu. He believes it may belong to a Shinigami, but he cannot say with absolute certainty," he answered carefully, his eyes locked on Renji.

_That's unusual for someone t' not even be able to tell what the reiatsu was from, even if he's a little inexperienced_… he thought. "Was anyone else from Soul Society in the area?" Renji questioned.

Kira shook his head. "No, that was the first thing I checked when I received the report. No one from here was remotely close to the location." He sighed deeply, and looked Renji in the eyes. "There's something else," he said solemnly.

"What is it?" Renji asked. He could feel his heart start to beat faster, and he struggled to keep still, feeling Kira studying his every move.

"He said it felt like it was a Shinigami because the reiatsu flare felt _familiar_ to him," Kira answered slowly. "If it hadn't been for the familiarity, he probably would have thought it was something he had never experienced before."

Renji felt the hair on the back of his neck raise. "How long has this guy been in the Gotei 13?" he asked quietly. He felt an old sensation creeping up his spine, and crossed his arms, fearing his hands might start to shake.

"He first joined this squad before I was Captain…" Kira trailed off. "In fact, mere months before the betrayal of the former Captain."

This confirmation hit Renji like a ton of bricks, and for the next few agonizing minutes, he focused all of his energy into maintaining the appearance of calmness. Kira discussed the details of a mission he wanted to send him on regarding the arrancar's appearance, and all the while, Renji could feel that Kira was scrutinizing his reaction.

Kira said he had discussed it with Renji's captain, and it fell within his scope of assignments; if Renji agreed, he was to depart the next day.

"I accept," Renji answered with no hesitation, anxious to leave so he could sort through his thoughts. He knew Kira was carefully analyzing his reaction, and he did not want him to know just how deeply this news had affected him. Seemingly satisfied, Kira nodded, and said he would take care of the details.

"I'll have everything ready for you, so prepare to leave tomorrow morning," Kira told him, and Renji quickly dismissed himself from the office.

His departure was not a moment too soon. As soon as he was out of sight, he crouched down against the side of the building and tried to steady his strangled breathing. He knew that Kira's report was not definitive, and that he should not jump to conclusions so easily, but he could not hold it back completely.

A member of Kira's division had detected a larger-than-normal flare of reiatsu, and reported that it felt familiar. What's more, this low ranking Shinigami had been a member of the Gotei 13 long enough to have felt the reiatsu of Kurosaki Ichigo before he died.

* * * * *

_After the death of Aizen Sousuke, Ichigo spent only one more night in Soul Society. Then he returned to Karakura Town, and procured a very modest apartment a short walk from where the Karakura Clinic had once stood. _

_Though he would have preferred to check in on him sooner, Renji was unable to find an excuse to go to Karakura Town until a month later. Immediately, he sought out Ichigo's new place, and perhaps out of habit, Renji tried knocking on the window to get his attention before he even considered knocking on the front door. He could barely see anything through the heavy curtains, but it looked unoccupied._

_He started to turn away, thinking that perhaps he was out… But after taking a few steps, he realized that the prospect was unlikely. Soul Society had been keeping a close eye on Ichigo's movements, and reports had shown that he had been living like a recluse._

_Renji stepped toward the front entrance and pressed his ear against the door, trying to see if he could hear anything from inside. As he focused his senses, Renji realized that while he heard nothing, he could smell the unwelcome fetor of blood. Without hesitating, he slammed his full weight into the door, easily breaking the flimsy lock._

"_Ichigo," he bellowed, his eyes darting around the room. The scent of blood was much more pungent, and with a sinking feeling, he knew that the odor had to be coming from this apartment. _

_After taking a cursory glance at the tiny living room and kitchen, Renji threw open the door to the bedroom, calling out Ichigo's name again. Still, there was no response. _

_Renji placed his hand on the doorknob to the bathroom, and he felt the hair on the back of his neck rise. The smell was all too familiar; the scent of lifeblood, and the malodor that marks a freshly occurring death. He took a deep breath, bracing himself for the worst, and pushed the door open._

_Nothing could have prepared him for the everlasting image that seared into his mind, and though he had seen far more gruesome sights, he could barely hold back the urge to retch. _

_Ichigo's lifeless body was in the bathtub, soaking in blood-tinted water. One arm was submerged in the crimson water, but the other arm hung over the side, and a pool of dark, coagulating blood coated the dingy floor. Renji could see part of a deep, jagged gash running up his arm. Ichigo's head was tilted back, as though he was staring at the ceiling. However, his eyes were dull and lifeless, and his skin was pale and tinged blue. He had obviously been dead for quite some time. Renji squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his jaw._

"_Dammit, Ichigo!" he roared, slamming his fist into the wall. He repeated this action several times, cracking the tiles, but even as the skin of his knuckles was smeared across the wall and blood flowed freely from his hands, he did not notice the pain._

_A few hours confirmed that Ichigo's death was as it appeared—he had taken his own life. In addition to a note in his apartment, a thorough investigation was performed by Soul Society to confirm that the corpse recovered from the apartment was, indeed, the body of Kurosaki Ichigo. _

_Time passed, and though many grieved, they all eventually moved on, except for Renji. Ichigo's death never sat well with him, and no matter how much time passed, he never became more accepting of it. _

_Although it was unlikely that anyone would find his soul, Renji kept a careful eye out for him, believing that he would turn up somewhere; perhaps in a random district of the rukongai, devoid of his memories, or even as a hollow. Still, fifteen years later, there had never been even a hint of where his soul may be._

_The other piece of information that bothered Renji was that Ichigo's money was missing. Although he did not understand much about finances in the real world, apparently Ichigo had been steadily draining the only bank account he had until he took his life. No one ever figured out what became of all the money, since there were so few possessions in his apartment._

_However, Soul Society and the real world alike accepted Ichigo's suicide as being legitimate, and Renji uncovered no concrete evidence to prove otherwise. Still, he could not shake the feeling of something being wrong, of some answer being out there that he had yet to find. Something felt wrong about the death, and he found himself wanting to explore the real world, in hopes of obtaining some far-fetched clue or detecting a trace of him._

* * * * *

Renji hated missions in large cities. The dense population, the crowded streets, and the dirty atmosphere always made him feel like he was going to miss something important because of the constant distractions. Now, more than ever, he wanted to give his full concentration to his task at hand. In fifteen years, he had never once found a clue on the trail of what had become of Ichigo, and he thought that this might reveal something, though he could not fathom what.

Both Captain Kira and his own Captain had given him free reign as to how to handle his mission, and Renji decided the best strategy was to stay near the area where the arrancar was detected, since it was the only lead he had.

In truth, Renji was more concerned with the unidentified reiatsu than the arrancar. If an actual arrancar appeared, he would be alerted on his soul communicator.

Days passed without incident. At first, he concealed himself in covert areas where even someone capable of seeing Shinigami would not spot him. Soon he realized this approach was limiting his movement, so he switched to using a gigai. He wore dull-colored clothing and tried his best to keep his hair and face obscured.

Yet as time ticked by, he began to feel more and more foolish about his futile stealth. He studied the people who passed him carefully, trying to see if he recognized any features. He tightened his search area even more, worried that perhaps he had strayed too far from the place where the phantom reiatsu was first detected.

Again, Renji considered returning to Soul Society. There had been no presence of arrancar in the area for a solid week, and he felt like the mission was a waste of time. The sun was just beginning to rise, and very few people were out yet. As he considered his options, Renji's gaze followed a rather nondescript runner, who he thought he had noticed in the area before—not that he was surprised by this observation. There were many people who he was beginning to recognize each day, if only because he had been studying them so closely.

The runner seemed to be in extremely good shape, and covered a long stretch of ground in a very short amount of time. As Renji watched the man's powerful stride, his mind began to wander, and he thought of the endless training with Ichigo, and the battles they used to have against each other each day, trying to become stronger.

As these vivid memories flitted across his mind, Renji felt his hands begin to sweat, and he swore that his palms felt sore, as though he had been wielding a sword for days on end.

Renji doubted the runner could see him at all, and from Renji's viewpoint, he could not clearly see his face. He had short, somewhat disheveled black hair, and appeared to be in his mid-thirties, though Renji knew he was terrible at guessing the ages of humans.

Watching the runner's back, Renji again felt a strong sense of deva ju, and for a moment, he swore he could smell the scent of blood, sweat, and steel surrounding him. He remembered following Ichigo, stopping to fight off a new enemy every few seconds, struggling to keep moving forward and to keep up with the cold and determined man ahead of him…

Renji focused on the runner's back again, and realizes that it was the movements of this man that seemed so familiar to him. Before he could fade into the distance, Renji emerged from his hiding place and began to follow him.

The man did not break stride for quite some time, and with each step, Renji felt like he was experiencing a sensation from the past. Though from a distance, he did not seem to resemble Ichigo, the more Renji watched this unknown man, the more he felt convinced that it had to be him. His hair was a different color, and much shorter, but upon closer inspection the disheveled hair was spiky. The man's height was the same, and his frame was the same.

Sometimes, Renji noticed a faint irregularity in his stride, and he remembered how Ichigo would mask his fatigue. He would never stop to take a break, even when he was far past his limit.

The memories were taking a physical toll on Renji. Though keeping up with this man should have been effortless, Renji felt like his chest was tightening, constricting his breathing. Emotions he thought had been long since numbed and buried crept up on him.

The runner did not break stride until he reached a decrepit apartment building. He slowed down to a walk. As Renji studied him ascending the old staircase that led to one of the upper units, he caught a better glimpse of his face. He was older, and he had the beginnings of lines etched into his face, but the resemblance was undeniable; this was Ichigo.

Renji remembered Ichigo's solemn declaration that he was leaving Soul Society because his final task was complete. He shuddered, remembering how the words "final task" repeated over and over again in his mind as he stared at Ichigo's motionless body, slumped in the cold, red bathwater, his blood-covered wrist dangling over the edge of the porcelain.

The man disappeared inside of the apartment, and Renji crouched behind a bush, trying to calm his nerves after experiencing such a poignant stream of memories. When his breathing finally steadied, he quietly went up the stairs to see if he could get a glimpse through the window. When he peeked through the old, dirty glass, he saw that the apartment was barren, small, and devoid of any decoration—not a single item remotely resembled a personal touch.

He stepped back from the window and leaned against the wall, wondering why Ichigo would throw away his former life for this kind of solitary lifestyle. Despite his best efforts to quell his overflowing memories, his mind drifted back to what happened shortly after Ichigo lost his family…


	2. Chapter 2

Title: His Solitude

Rating: M (for adult themes)

Characters: Renji/Ichigo

Chapter: 2 of 10

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

Warning: **Spoiler warning**. Follows manga canon until chapter 338.

* * *

CHAPTER TWO

Despite Renji's best efforts to quell his overflowing memories, his mind drifted back to what happened shortly after Ichigo lost his family…

* * * * *

_While Renji and Ichigo were searching in Hueco Mundo for Inoue Orihime with Ishida, Sado, and Rukia, they learned that Aizen was planning on using Karakura Town to create the Ouken. Though Soul Society had made preemptive efforts to protect the town, they were all determined to offer their assistance as soon as possible. _

_After they rescued Orihime, the party wasted no time departing, so they could aid the Gotei 13 in preventing Aizen from succeeding in his plan. After leaving Hueco Mundo, Renji and Ichigo became separated from the rest of the group. Believing in what the Soul Society captains had told them, Renji and Ichigo assumed that Karakura Town and its residents were safe, and they focused their efforts on defeating the enemy._

_In no time, the pair found themselves headlong in battle against a group of several arrancar. While they were not exceptionally powerful, they attacked all at once, and it was all Renji could do to block their assaults. As Renji was striking one of them, two other arrancar attacked him from behind, and one of them managed to wound their target. Renji gasped and fell to his knees, feeling as though the strength had been drained from him. _

_He looked down and saw blood gushing from the front of his chest, despite the main wound being on his back. After a few moments of confusion, he realized that the blade had pierced clean through him. His arms felt numb, and despite his best efforts to tightly clasp onto Zabimaru, the zanpakuto slipped from his weakening hands and fell next to him with a clatter._

"_Renji!" he heard Ichigo bellow, and he struggled to focus on the increasingly blurry shapes around him. One by one, he saw the arrancar fall lifelessly to the ground, and just as he was unable to sit upright any longer, he felt a strong arm reach around him. He opened his eyes and gasped as he made out the mask of a hollow. But immediately the mask was torn away and discarded, and Renji realized it was Ichigo beneath. _

That's what Rukia meant_, he remembered thinking, right before everything began to fade to black. He fluttered in and out of consciousness, and he could tell that Ichigo was carrying him away from the battlefield while struggling to fend off attackers. Yet Renji had no strength to move, and eventually he slipped into a deep sleep._

_When Renji finally awakened, he was in the Fourth Division infirmary, surrounded by a warm, yellow light. He gazed to his side and realized Orihime was seated by his bed, healing him with her Soten Kishun. Her eyes were red and puffy, and she had dark circles under her eyes. She looked more haggard that she had been in Hueco Mundo… Renji groggily thought she should have been happy that Ichigo had rescued her. _

Ichigo_, Renji thought suddenly, snapping fully awake. He pushed himself upright, surprised that he felt no pain in his chest or abdomen._

"_What happened t' Ichigo?" he demanded as the shunshunrikka disappeared back into Orihime's hairpins. _

_Orihime gestured toward an empty bed next to Renji. The sheets were thrown back as though it had recently been slept in._

"_He left a little while ago," she finally stammered, her eyes brimming with tears. She covered her face with her hands and started to sob quietly. "Abarai-kun, it's so awful…" she cried, but her words were hysterical and he could not tell what she was saying._

"_I'm sorry, I don't understand you—" he started to say._

"…_Abarai-kun, _they're dead_," she bawled, a new wave of sobs wracking her body. "I'm s-so sorry," she choked._

"_What? Who's dead?" Renji exclaimed. "Who are you talking about?"_

_But no more words came to her, and she wailed and continued to cover her face with her hands. _

_Just as Renji felt his patience start to slip, Matsumoto Rangiku entered the room and quickly rushed over to the crying girl. She put her arms around Orihime and quietly comforted her. "I thought you promised me you would rest," she sighed heavily. "Come on, we need to get you to bed."_

_Renji's eyes met Matsumoto's, and he was surprised to see the weary expression on her face. She, too, looked haggard, and the dark circles under her eyes were comparable to Orihime's._

"_What happened out there—" he started to ask, but he was quickly shushed._

"_I'll be back in just a moment," Matsumoto told him, gently pulling Orihime into a standing position. "This girl needs to rest or she's going to collapse. She hasn't slept for a moment since she got here, and she already used so much energy healing us. The Fourth Division's resources are exhausted…"_

"_Wait, Rangiku," Renji hesitated. "She said 'they're dead.' Who's she talkin' about?" _

_Matsumoto sighed heavily as she continued guiding Orihime out of the room. "I'll tell you everything when I get back, Renji. Just wait a few minutes while I make sure she goes to sleep this time."_

"_Rangiku!" Renji called out after her, but she ignored him and exited the room, one arm protectively wrapped around Orihime's trembling shoulders. _

_Several minutes ticked by, and Renji felt himself growing increasingly restless. He had to find out what was going on. Just as he was about to get out of his bed, the door opened._

"_Took you long, enough, Rangik—" he started to complain, but the figure who entered the door was much smaller in stature than Matsumoto. Renji gaped for a moment, then quickly bowed down his head. "Captain Hitsugaya, I'm sorry. I thought you were Rangi… Lieutenant Matsumoto."_

"_There's no need, Lieutenant Abarai," Hitsugaya sighed tiredly. "I met Matsumoto in the hallway a moment ago, and she informed me you were awake."_

_Renji raised an eyebrow, wondering why the Captain had interest in him being conscious. _

_The short captain took a seat next to Renji's bed, where Orihime had been sitting just a few minutes before. He had never seen the young captain in such a weary state. Hitsugaya was usually upright and strict, but now, he slouched in his seat and sighed tiredly. _

_After a few moments of silence, Renji could not take the suspense anymore. "Please, Captain, tell me what happened out there. I got knocked out and I don't know how it ended or anything."_

"_You passed out because one of the arrancar who attacked you had some sort of ability involving poison," he said flatly. "Had it not been for Kurosaki Ichigo bringing you here so quickly, you would be dead by now."_

"_Poison," he muttered to himself. "That makes sense, s'why I could hardly move…"_

"_But that's obviously not the information that will relieve your anxiousness," Hitsugaya continued. _

_Renji nodded quickly._

"_What happened today… We were deceived once again by Aizen, to put it simply," Hitsugaya said heavily. "We underestimated his zanpakuto's ability, and the preparations that we made to hinder his moves were futile._

"_We switched Karakura Town with a fake town, thinking that it would prevent Aizen from harming the people there. Yet he anticipated our maneuver, and manipulated us into thinking he had all of his forces at the fake Karakura Town. He said that regardless of what was the real town, he would create the Ouken, which misled us into believing that the fake Karakura Town was the only place where he planned to attack. All of our Captains and Lieutenants were gathered there. That's also where you and Kurosaki entered the battle._

"_Too late, we learned that the real Karakura Town, which was temporarily being sheltered in the Rukongai, was also under attack. A small group went there to fight, to attempt to stop whatever Aizen had planned." He closed his eyes, clenching his hands into fists. "It was so foolish that none of us noticed that something was wrong. Aizen was unfazed that the real Karakura Town was swapped with a fake one… I don't even know if some of the things I saw were real or the products of Aizen's illusions. The captains suspect that it was his meddling that prevented us from realizing the real Karakura Town was under attack until it was too late. Apparently at some point during the chaos, Aizen even slipped away to the real Karakura Town and not a single person noticed."_

"_I don't want t' interrupt you, Captain, but just now, that girl, Inoue… She said 'they're dead.' Please, tell me who died," Renji broke in. Hitsugaya's uncharacteristically long exposition was making him unbearably tense._

"_Yes, I'm getting there," Hitsugaya sighed. "As I said, a small group went to the Rukongai to try and stop Aizen's forces. One of those Shinigami was Kuchiki Rukia."_

_Renji felt his chest tighten. "What about Rukia?" he asked with difficulty._

_Hitsugaya nodded slowly and continued. "In the real Karakura Town, there was a man with Shinigami powers who was trying his best to protect the town. This man was actually a former captain in the Gotei 13, though he left long before either once of us joined. He was apparently using the name Kurosaki Isshin."_

"_Kurosaki? Wait a minute, you're not tellin' me…" Renji said in disbelief. _

"_Ah," Hitsugaya nodded slowly. "Kurosaki's father was formerly in the ranks of Soul Society. I don't know any details beyond that, though. All I know is that he was one obstacle that I do not believe Aizen anticipated, and his efforts may be the sole reason why the creation of the Ouken was not a success."_

"_Aizen didn't create it?" Renji interrupted. "Why d'you think Ichigo's dad's the reason why it failed?"_

"_Because it was the only point where Aizen inserted himself into the actual battle. From what we've gathered, Kurosaki Isshin was very successful in eliminating the arrancar who had infiltrated the town. When Aizen saw that his plan may fail, he attacked Kurosaki Isshin head-on. It was at this time that several Shinigami arrived at the scene, including Kuchiki Rukia. _

"_From what they saw, Aizen killed him immediately and effortlessly. As he was falling to the ground, two young girls started running toward them."_

_Renji swallowed hard. "You're talkin' about Ichigo's sisters, aren't you?"_

_Hitsugaya nodded slowly. "From what I was told, yes."_

"_But wasn't the entire town asleep?"_

"_It seems that a few people with relatively strong spiritual powers were unaffected. That may explain why the Kurosakis were awake." Hitsugaya explained. "Before anyone could have possibly reached Aizen to stop him, he mercilessly killed both of them. From what I gather from the others who were there, Kuchiki Rukia rushed toward Aizen without saying a word, and attacked him."_

"_No…" Renji stammered, but he could utter no more words. He felt as if he could no longer breathe._

"_I'm sorry. She didn't survive," he finished. _

_Renji turned to face him, angered at Hitsugaya's emotionless tone. Yet as he opened his mouth to speak, he realized that the captain was clenching his jaw painfully, and his eyes were filled with turmoil._

_Just then, Matsumoto entered the room. "I'm sorry that took so long…" she trailed off, staring at Hitsugaya. "Captain? What are you doing here? My, everyone that should be resting keeps visiting you, Renji!" she exclaimed weakly, trying to keep up an energetic façade in front of Hitsugaya. _

_She headed toward him, an arm outstretched. "Come on, Captain, you need to rest as well... Who knows how much you'll have to do tomorrow?"_

_Before she could start fussing over him, he quickly got up. "I was just about to leave," he said flatly. He looked up at Matsumoto, and his expression softened. "You need to rest far more than I do, Matsumoto. I strongly recommend that you keep your conversation brief."_

"_Yes, Captain," Matsumoto replied quietly._

_As soon as Hitsugaya left the room, she sighed heavily and leaned forward, resting her elbows on the side of Renji's bed. "I'm surprised he came to talk to you personally. Did he tell you what happened?"_

"_Yeah," Renji responded carefully, hiding the tremor in his voice. _

"_About Rukia?" she murmured, her voice barely above a whisper. _

_He nodded, too afraid to speak._

_She rested a delicate hand on his shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Renji."_

_Renji could not take the sympathetic hand rubbing his shoulder, and the deeply concerned look that she was giving him. Struggling to find his voice, he managed to choke out, "Why was Captain Hitsugaya the one who told me?"_

_Matsumoto closed her eyes and withdrew her hand from Renji's shoulder. "I don't know the answer, but I can guess."_

"_And?" Renji asked impatiently after several moments of silence elapsed. _

"_There were many others who lost their lives today," she began. "At some point, Hinamori came to help me in battle. I was wounded pretty early on, and I lost consciousness." Renji noticed her hugging her right side tightly as she continued to tell the story. "Apparently Hinamori was also injured, but I was in a far worse state, and she told everyone to make sure that I got help first. While I was being moved, she disappeared._

"_They found her body at the real Karakura Town. No one saw her die, but it was obvious that she was killed by a zanpakuto. Everyone thinks that she got wind of the fact that Aizen was there and went to see him." She shook her head angrily. "I could have done something, warned everyone that she wasn't completely okay. She came to help me in battle, but Hinamori hadn't been well for a long time. She still called him 'Captain Aizen' when she spoke to me. I should have been more careful. Had I not been hurt, I could have stopped her…"_

"_Rangiku, you can't blame yourself for somethin' like that. Hell, you just said it yourself, you weren't even awake t' try and stop her," Renji interjected._

_She sighed. "I was getting off subject, anyway. You only asked me why my captain was the one who briefed you, right? Well, my best guess is that maybe it was sympathy. Maybe he felt like he knew what you were about to go through, too."_

_Renji rubbed his temples, digesting her words. Finally, he forced a laugh. "I doubt that very much," he said. "He doesn't seem like the type who'd want t' share feelings with anyone."_

"_You might be right, but I certainly can't find any other explanation as to why he would come in here to break the news to you," she pointed out. Her eyes drifted to the doorway. "Captain…" she murmured softly, lost in thought for a moment. Then she looked back at Renji. "I'll let you be for a little bit," she said sympathetically. "Please, get some rest."_

* * * * *

Renji's soul communicator began beeping, rudely jarring him away from his thoughts. Quickly, Renji rushed away from the apartment, hoping that no one heard the noise. When he looked at the alert, he let out a frustrated grunt. Renji had planned on following Ichigo around for the remainder of the day, but he had to respond to this alert.

"Of all the goddamn times for an arrancar to finally show up in this place," he muttered under his breath. He dashed toward the direction that his soul communicator told him to go, praying that he would be at a great enough distance so that Ichigo could not detect his reiatsu while he fought the arrancar.

Fortunately, the arrancar was nowhere near Ichigo's home, but Renji still took the precaution of keeping his reiatsu release to a minimum. Even with this self-limitation, he defeated it with ease.

After the fight, Renji leaned back against a tree and closed his eyes, contemplating his next move. The fact that he had indeed discovered Ichigo here, albeit in disguise, was still a difficult piece of information for him to digest. His head was swimming, and he had no idea what he would do—or if there was anything else he should do.

_Why would Ichigo do this?_ Renji wondered to himself. Yet in a way, it was not completely unimaginable. There were so many things that the former substitute Shinigami had gone through, and Renji had no idea what may have finally pushed him over the edge.

Ichigo had lost his entire family and some dear friends. He had faced vigorous and hellish training as he prepared for the final battle against Aizen, and pushed his body to its physical limits. In that final battle, he had seen gruesome and horrific sights, unparalleled to any of the battles he had seen beforehand.

Renji closed his eyes, feeling a wave of nausea as he started to recall…

* * * * *

_It was the final battle in Hueco Mundo. Renji and Ichigo ran forward, trying to work their way through the melee, searching for Aizen. Renji felt his stomach turn as he surveyed the damage around them._

_The ground was covered with the corpses of Shinigami and arrancar alike. Blood was everywhere, as though someone had tried to paint the landscape crimson red. Ichigo was several paces ahead of him, as he had been the entire time… as he always seemed to be, in every way. The young man was silent and determined, focused only on his target. He cut down everyone and everything in his path._

_The only person who even tried to stop his blade was Kira Izuru. Just as Ichigo began to charge at a lone figure quickly approaching, Kira raced forward and braced his blade against Ichigo's, in an attempt to slow him. _

_Renji flinched, wondering if Ichigo would send the Lieutenant flying for stopping his zanpakuto. Then Renji took a closer look at the figure approaching, and realize it was Ichimaru Gin. With a nod of understanding, Ichigo lowered his bladed and nodded at Kira in approval. "He's yours," he rasped._

* * * * *

The swirling memories transgressing through his mind made him feel more and more muddled about the situation. Renji sighed heavily and tilted his head back, staring into the murky grey sky. Had this happened a decade earlier, he knew what he would have done. He would have charged toward Ichigo the moment he laid eyes on him, and started a brawl right in the middle of the street.

_A decade? No, not ten years_, _but just a bit longer_, he thought silently to himself. He knew the exact time in his life when he began to change his methods of confrontation and approach people with a degree of caution. He knew when he learned to calm his temper and to be wary of the suffering and fury of others. His change began at the same time that Ichigo's change began.

Ichigo's ultimate desire was to protect the people he cared about, and this dream was crushed alongside the bodies of his father, his sisters, and Rukia. Ichigo cast aside his desired position as protector and took on a new goal—an ambition far less noble.


	3. Chapter 3

Title: His Solitude

Rating: M (for adult themes)

Characters: Renji/Ichigo

Chapter: 3 of 10

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

Warning: **Spoiler warning**. Follows manga canon until chapter 338.

* * *

CHAPTER THREE

It was not long after the death of Ichigo's father, sisters, and Rukia that Renji realized the changes brewing in Ichigo. Grief was transforming him, and altering his outlook on the world. Even though Renji could pinpoint the moment when it first came to his attention, he wondered if there was anything he could have done to persuade Ichigo to take a different course.

* * * * *

_Despite everyone's plea for him to stay in Soul Society, Ichigo insisted that he visit the wreckage of his former home as soon as he has fully recovered from the wounds he had received during battle at the fake Karakura Town. Ichigo had not seen that place since his family and Rukia had been murdered. Renji accompanied him to the real world, and as soon as they exited the senkai gate, they were greeted by the grave faces of Inoue Orihime, Ishida Uryuu, and Sado Yasutora._

_Orihime threw her arms around Ichigo and hugged him tightly, fighting to hold back tears. "Kurosaki-kun," she choked, pressing herself against him. _

_Renji noticed that Ichigo's entire body tensed at the interaction. His arms hung limply at his sides, making no effort to return the embrace. When she made no move to loosen her grip after several seconds, he gently but abruptly pushed her away from him._

"_I don't have time for this," he said curtly, turning his back to her and heading toward the pile of rubble visible in the distance. As he walked away from her, her eyes opened wide with surprise, stunned at his coldness. Renji squirmed uncomfortably when turned her gaze to him, as though he could have offered her an excuse for his behavior. Yet Renji thought Ichigo had every reason to treat the girl so coldly, considering how she had shown nothing but fear toward him during their last encounter._

"_I don't think it'd be a good idea t' be here too long," Renji said finally, and he quickly started to catch up to Ichigo. _

_The Karakura Clinic had been reduced to a pile of splintered wood, crumbled rock, and broken glass. Had Renji not accurately known the location of the structure, he would have never believed the heap of debris was once Ichigo's home._

_Ichigo kicked around some of the rubble with his foot, but nothing even remotely salvageable was unveiled. Renji watched Ichigo uneasily, not sure what he was trying to accomplish._

_Finally, Ichigo turned toward Renji and the rest of the group and announced his goal. "I'm going to find Kon," he declared. "If there's one thing we can save here, it has to be that damn mod soul."_

_Without waiting for a response, Ichigo started throwing aside chunks of debris. Renji glanced at the other three. Sado obediently followed Ichigo's lead. Effortlessly, the large man threw aside large chunks of cement and pieces of cracked wood, his face devoid of any expression._

_Orihime and Ishida stared at Ichigo with mixed expressions on their faces. Renji had never been any good at deciphering complex expressions, though, so he joined in on the salvaging activities, praying that the obnoxious mod soul would be in the wreckage._

_Hours passed, and a new pile of debris was slowly growing nearby, where all of the trash they had gone through had been thrown. Renji kept a close eye on Ichigo, and he could tell his agitation was growing to an alarming magnitude. Several times, he had kicked the rubble angrily, cursing under his breath._

_But it was a discovery by Ishida that made Ichigo's turmoil reach a vehement climax._

"_Kurosaki," Ishida called out quietly, walking toward him. _

"_What is it?" Ichigo barked, violently kicking an unidentifiable chunk of plastic several feet in front of him._

_Wordlessly, he handed Ichigo what looked like a brown and yellow rag. _

_Ichigo snatched it from him with irritation. "What the hell are you giving me, Ishida?" he grumbled. As he dangled the dirty cloth in front of his face, his eyes widened. _

_Renji felt a painful twisting sensation in his stomach as he realized the cloth was from the stuffed toy that Kon occupied. Ichigo started turning it over again and again in his hands, ripping at the cloth._

"_The gikongan isn't in there," he said matter-of-factly, pushing his glasses up on his nose. _

"_Shit," Ichigo shouted, hurling the remnants of the stuffed animal on the ground. Violently, he took out his frustrations on anything surrounding him. Ishida moved in front of Orihime protectively, as though he was afraid the rampaging Ichigo might take a swing at other people around him._

"_Oi, Ichigo," Renji shouted, lunging toward him. "This isn't helping a damn bit, and you're just messin' up what we've spent all damn day trying t' sort through!" He grabbed his arms and tried to restrain him. Ichigo started to fight back, but quickly gave up and shoved Renji away from him._

"_Forget it," he growled, and started stalking away from them. "Just go home, everyone. This is a waste of time."_

_Renji did not make an effort to follow him. Instead, he stayed behind with Orihime, Ishida, and Sado. The four of them kept searching for the rest of the day, throughout the night, and into the morning. _

_Finally, they abandoned all hope of finding Kon. There was no way they could find something as tiny as a gikongan in the wreckage they had already scoured so thoroughly. Giving up was the only choice they had left._

"_Everybody, go home an' rest. I'll go find Ichigo and take him back t' Soul Society for a while," Renji told them wearily._

_It did not take Renji long to find him. He was seated at the bank of the Karasu River, his chin resting on his knees, staring blankly at the steadily flowing water. From the looks of the darkness around his eyes, he had not slept either. _

"_Oi, Ichigo," he called out softly. _

_Ichigo did not respond, his gaze fixated forward. Renji called his name several more times, but he continued to zone out._

_Renji reached forward and put a hand on his shoulder. Ichigo jolted, and looked up at Renji in surprise. His eyes seemed to be having trouble focusing. "Renji…?" he said uncertainly._

"_C'mon, let's get back to Soul Society," Renji said, squeezing his shoulder gently._

_Ichigo nodded hesitantly, but he did not get up. "Tell me, Renji," he stammered, "did you find anything?"_

_Renji tightened his grip on Ichigo's shoulder. "Sorry, Ichigo. There's nothing there."_

_Ichigo buried his face in his knees and made a choking noise. "Dammit," he murmured finally. "I _always_ fail at protecting the people I care about." He lifted his head again, gazing blankly at the river. "This is where my mother died. I was just a kid back then, but I still regret that I couldn't protect her," he said slowly, struggling to choose the right words. _

"_I thought I had the strength to protect people now, but even with all the power I have, I can't do anything. The awful power inside of me, the thing that could make me a monster… Even with that, I still keep on failing. I failed at protecting my family. I failed at protecting Rukia. I'll fail to protect them all in the end. I give up—I can't protect anyone," he choked._

"_You think everything was just in your hands? That's pretty damn arrogant of you, Ichigo. You think you can give up on everything because you made a few mistakes? Do you think it's what anyone wants?" Renji growled, painfully clenching Ichigo's shoulder._

_Ichigo turned toward him and stared, his eyes burning with anger. "I never said I was giving up on everything. I'm through trying to protect—no, I don't deserve to protect anyone, but I still have something to do."_

"_What's that?" Renji responded._

"_I'm going to make Aizen pay for the lives he took," he vowed. "It's the only thing that matters anymore."_

* * * * *

Renji felt a chill run down his spine as he thought about the intense, burning look that Ichigo gave him as he declared revenge on Aizen. He realized it was the same chill that had run down his spine when it first happened, as though he had just relived the moment.

That dramatic change in Ichigo's goal was the spark, and somehow, it had led him to his present state. Renji quietly reflected on how fervidly Ichigo had worked to progress toward his new goal. Through his distorted focus, he had become this person—a stranger who Renji did not even know how to approach, when at one time they had been close.

Another chill ran down his spine, but this time, it was for a much different reason. His memory started to drift to a private memory, a piece of his life that everyone had been unaware of, save for him and Ichigo.

"No!" he shouted aloud, closing his eyes tightly.

Not wanting the memory to overtake him, he forced himself to focus on the present. He wondered how long he could endure this rollercoaster of retrospection that he had been going through. He felt it was hazardous to recall those times so vividly. It was like recalling the ache of loneliness that used to resonate painfully within him, and then to remember the contentment and solace of its temporary abatement.

Renji spent the rest of the day walking around the city, telling himself that it was surveillance, in case another arrancar showed up. Finally, when it was late and he thought he was tired enough, he decided to try to sleep. Nothing in his mind had been resolved, so he settled on the notion of following Ichigo around a while longer.

When sleep finally came, Renji's dreams were brimming with Ichigo. When he finally awakened a few hours later, he pushed himself into a sitting position immediately and looked around the room, convinced that Ichigo had just been next to him. Yet as the haze of sleep dissipated, so did the nostalgic sensation.

The sun had not yet risen, but Renji did not feel he could return to sleep. He rushed to the location of Ichigo's residence to start his surveillance.

Yet when he arrived, he was shocked to find that the small apartment was empty. Unsure of what else to do, he moved himself to a location hidden from view, where he could observe the front door of the apartment. Unfortunately, while waiting for Ichigo to return, Ichigo's mind could not help but wander. He found himself thinking about the assignment from Kuchiki Byakuya; the assignment that had directly put Ichigo and Renji in the path toward Aizen's execution. He wondered how different things would have been, had that exchange never happened.

* * * * *

_It was only a short time after Ichigo learned that in addition to Rukia and his family being dead, Kon had also disappeared. Renji eyed Ichigo cautiously as they walked down the long corridor toward the Sixth Division office. When Captain Kuchiki requested Ichigo's appearance, Renji was more than apprehensive about it. His captain had expressed his dislike of Ichigo during numerous occasions, and Renji could not imagine why he would ask to speak to him._

_His sense of foreboding grew when Ichigo agreed to come with him with no opposition. Ichigo's mood had been consistently foul, and he had refused to do anything that anyone asked of him. Even simple conversation with him had been impossible for most people. Renji was one of the only people he had spoken to for more than a minute without Ichigo losing his temper._

_When they reached the door to the office, Renji started to knock when a horrifying thought struck him. _

What if Captain Kuchiki wants to talk to him about Rukia's death?_ he thought. He looked back at Ichigo, wondering if he could handle that kind of conversation. A painful ache in Renji's chest told him that not even he could handle an exchange like that with his difficult captain._

"_What are you doing?" Ichigo asked irritably. "You look like an idiot, standing with your hand in the air like you're afraid to knock or something."_

_Renji opened his mouth to retort, but he couldn't find any words. Glaring at Ichigo, he rapped on the door forcefully. "Captain Kuchiki, I've brought Kurosaki Ichigo with me," he announced loudly._

"_Enter," a voice from beyond the door called. Renji opened the door and stepped to the side, allowing Ichigo to enter._

_Byakuya looked at Ichigo with indifference. "Go ahead and sit," he said coolly._

_Renji bowed politely and started to back out of the door._

_Byakuya's gaze shifted to his retreating subordinate . "Lieutenant Abarai, you take a seat as well."_

_Confused, Renji took a seat next to Ichigo. While the notion of him discussing Rukia's death with Ichigo was far-fetched, the idea of him addressing both of them at once was simply absurd. _

_Byakuya's gaze drifted back and force between them several times, studying them. When he finally spoke, his tone was flat and humorless. "Before I start, I want to make it clear that what I am about to request is at the behest of Captain Commander Yamamoto, and I have strong objections to certain decisions he has made." His gaze shifted to Ichigo as he said this. _

_Ichigo furrowed his brow in anger, but to Renji's relief, he remained silent._

"_The latest battle has made it clear that we continue to underestimate Aizen Sousuke's abilities," he surmised. "Soul Society is taking whatever measures we can to prepare for upcoming battles. All units will begin vigorous training while the Department of Technology works on creating equipment to support everyone on the battlefield. However, the Captains are all in agreement that the sheer fighting power of the Captains and Lieutenants of the Gotei 13 cannot be our sole source of strength." Byakuya clenched his jaw. "In the face of Aizen's illusions, power is meaningless. Additional measures obviously need to be taken._

"_Accordingly, we have decided to create a temporary, top secret section of Soul Society called Section X, with the primary objective of battling Aizen directly."_

_Renji felt his blood run cold. The thought of facing Aizen head on was both terrifying and vindicating. Though Renji had not seen Rukia's final moments, the anguishing vision of what he imagined had happened played though his head. He imagined Aizen's blade running through her, the look of shock and pain on her face as her petite body crumpled to the ground…_

_Suddenly, Renji turned to Ichigo, realizing that his affliction must be far greater. The orange-haired man was clenching his fists on the arms of the chair, and he had his head bowed down so low that Renji could barely see his shadowed eyes._

_Ignoring their reactions, Byakuya continued to speak. "The Department of Technology has been experimenting on every type of illusion-based zanpakuto they can get their hands on. Captain Mayuri has created a prototype of a device that can filter out illusions." He paused for a moment to open a desk drawer and reach inside. A moment later, he deposited a strange looking invention that Renji thought looked like a streamlined pair of goggles, or an enlarged pair of sunglasses._

"_Captain Mayuri calls this an illusion nullifying apparatus," he informed, his voice dripping with disdain. "Given the absurdity of the name, most have been shortening the name to INA. Right now, they are untested in battle, and I suspect they may be useless to some."_

"_What do you mean? Don't they work the same for everyone?" Renji inquired._

_Byakuya nodded. "Yes, they do; however, while filtering out illusion, the INA's also obscure one's vision considerably, which makes it difficult to see objects that are not in motion."_

"_That's ridiculous," Ichigo interjected. Renji noticed that while he was able to face them again, his hands were still clutching the chair tightly, and his voice sounded shaky when he spoke. "How the hell can anyone fight when they can't see?"_

_The captain took a moment to glare at Ichigo before responding. "Section X will have the task of mastering fighting techniques under these conditions."_

_Ichigo snorted in disgust, but commented no further. Renji took this opportunity to ask another question._

"_I thought I heard Aizen's illusions got to all five of your senses. Isn't this just going t' stop you from _seeing_ what he wants you t' see?"_

_Byakuya nodded again. "I had the same concern. However, Captain Mayuri disclosed that he has made a breakthrough regarding Aizen's illusions. He confirmed that in order for Aizen's illusions to affect all senses, a visual trigger is necessary. In addition to one having to see the release of his zanpakuto, that person needs to _see_ an illusion to add to its effect on your other senses. It's the first weakness we have discovered about Aizen's ability."_

"_So if we can't see what he's trying to show us, he can't make us feel or hear anything that's not real?" Renji asked, attempting to follow along._

"_Precisely," he nodded again in affirmation. "If his illusion surrounds you with a wintery landscape, you have the see the snow and ice before you can feel the cold. The visual is what is needed to trigger other sensory responses."_

"_Tch, if that's all it takes to get back Aizen's illusions, why not just blindfold everyone? We might as well, if we can't see anyway," Ichigo chimed in rudely._

"_Captain Mayuri is working on an updated device that will also have settings," Byakuya explaine further, glowering at Ichigo as he spoke, "so in moments where the risk of being influenced by illusion is low, you have the option of changing the setting to increase visibility. This current model only has the maximum setting._

"_In addition to adapting to fighting while using the INA," Byakuya continued, "the members of Section X will have a second task; to learn to completely minimize or conceal their reiatsu unless absolutely necessary. For this reason, several members recruited will probably be from divisions of the Stealth Force. This section will be required to work on little else besides these two main objectives," he concluded._

"_Why are you telling us this, Byakuya? If it's so secret, I get why you'd tell Renji, but why am I here?" Ichigo asked impatiently._

_Byakuya glared at Ichigo coldly, but after a few tense seconds, refrained from commenting on the use of his first name._

"_I've informed you both about Section X because the Gotei 13 is requesting that you two lead it," he said finally. "All the captains agreed that it was advantageous to have a lieutenant become the leader, as we cannot spare a captain to fully commit to this type of organization. The Sixth Division can function with its lieutenant temporarily relocated, and Renji is a suitable candidate for the position—perhaps more suitable than most of the other lieutenants."_

_Renji felt his jaw drop open in shock, partially due to the importance of the task he was being asked to perform, but mostly because of his captain's compliment._

_However, the feeling of flattery quickly dissipated, as the full breadth of the situation sank in. This assignment would mean he would face Aizen. Once again, he imagined what Rukia's face must have looked like when her life was taken, and the thoughtless and apathetic expression Aizen probably had as he shook her blood off of his zanpakuto. _

"_If you accept, Lieutenant Abarai will be the leader of Section X, with the substitute shinigami being his second-in-command." Byakuya fixed his gaze on Ichigo. "You are being asked to participate because some are under the impression that your fighting ability will be _valuable_," he said dryly, putting extra emphasis on the word. He turned toward Renji. "There were also arguments made that you're familiar in dealing with his difficult personality, so you can make him be more cooperative."_

_While Renji normally would have jumped at the set-up to deride Ichigo, he was speechless, still gathering his thoughts. The prospect of being a part of this secretive section—no, leading this section—was an unbelievable opportunity, and yet he was wary of it. He realized that his captain was watching him, as though waiting for a response. Yet he did not know what to say, his mind spinning. He knew that ultimately he would have to accept, so as not to seem insubordinate, but he still hesitated._

"_Oi, Renji," Ichigo said finally, breaking the silence. The tremor in his voice was apparent._

"_What?" he replied._

"_I don't know if I can work with you that closely…" he started, his tone low and flat. _

_Renji nodded. "Yeah, no kiddin'."_

"…_But I gotta ask you one thing before I say yes or no."_

"_What's that?"_

"_I don't really want to hear your opinion, but… you may know better than anyone else." Ichigo closed his eyes tightly, and a painful expression crossed his face. "What do you think Rukia would tell me to do right now?"_

_Renji was completely taken aback by the question. He tried to utter a response; however, nothing but guttural sounds escaped his throat. _

_He felt like his throat was tightening and he could not breathe. Despite the fact that he did not want to answer Ichigo, he could not help but consider the question. The thought of considering what Rukia would say, because she was no longer there to answer for herself, brought on a fresh and poignant wave of grief that Renji did not want to face while standing before Ichigo and his captain._

_He wanted to punch Ichigo. He wanted to go after him with all is might, to scream at him for making him think about something like that. _

_Yet as the grief and rage overwhelmed him, and he thought about how Rukia could not answer him or advise him anymore, he realized he also knew what her answer would be. He could picture the tenacious expression on her face as she would tell him her answer with absolute confidence._

"_She'd say to do it," Renji choked, "and she'd say 'isn't this exactly what you said you wanted, you idiot?' to you."_

_Ichigo closed his eyes and nodded. When he spoke again, his voice quavered. "Alright, Byakuya. I'll do it." _

"_And you, Abarai?" Byakuya inquired._

_Regaining his composure, he looked at his captain. "Yeah, I'm in, too."_

For Rukia_, he thought quietly to himself as they exited the Sixth Division office_

_Renji felt his wave of melancholy begin to pass as they silently walked together. He paid little attention to Ichigo until he heard a strangled noise come from him. He looked over at him, and realized that Ichigo had a hand clamped over his mouth. Before Renji could ask him what was wrong, Ichigo collapsed on the ground, burying his face in his hands. His body shook violently as he held back his sobs. _

_It was all Renji could do to prevent anyone from coming down the corridor until the outburst had passed, so no one else would see Ichigo in such a wretched state._


	4. Chapter 4

Title: His Solitude

Rating: M (for adult themes)

Characters: Renji/Ichigo

Chapter: 4 of 10

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

Warning: **Spoiler warning**. Follows manga canon until chapter 338.

* * *

CHAPTER FOUR

Just as the sun appeared above the horizon, Ichigo returned to his apartment, breathing hard and glistening with sweat. Renji realized the he must have been out running. He entered his apartment, but it was only a short time before he emerged again. He wore the kind of clothes Renji saw people wearing who were doing road repairs or heavy construction.

Renji carefully followed him, taking great precautions to stay far back so he would not accidentally be spotted. He suspected he may have been overcautious, however; Ichigo never so much as looked behind him.

At one point, they passed the soul of a young girl who appeared to be no older than thirteen or fourteen years old. She cried out for help, and tried to grab at people passing by her, tears rolling down her cheeks.

Though he pitied the girl, he turned his full attention to Ichigo, wondering how he was going to react to her. Yet Ichigo did not break his stride, or even alter his path to avoid getting near her. He walked within a few feet of her without any acknowledgment.

Renji would have preferred to perform a soul burial, but Ichigo would have instantly realized he was there if he released even the tiniest bit of reiatsu. He hoped that the Shinigami assigned to the area would find the girl soon.

As he walked past her, he stole a quick glance at the face of the crying girl, and instantly regretted that he had. Though they were hardly identical, this girl bore a strong resemblance to Rukia. The shape of her face was a bit rounder, her eyes were a bit closer together, and she was a little bit taller, but her hair was cut in the same style that Rukia had always worn, and the girl's eyes were the same vibrant blue. Renji shuddered and quickened his pace, averting his gaze from the girl back to Ichigo.

For a moment, he thought he saw Ichigo shudder as well, but he quickly decided it was his imagination. Ichigo had shown no reaction to the girl.

Anger bubbled within him. It seemed that Ichigo had cast aside all the memories of his past, and it made him bitter and resentful that Ichigo could just let go of everything.

However, the wave of anger quickly passed as Renji recalled how he had slowly recovered from the melancholy he felt about Rukia's death. Somehow, he had managed to find a semblance of peace with her death, even when Ichigo could still barely find a way to face each day. Maybe now, Ichigo had found his own peace—but if it was at the price of forgetting everything, it was too much, Renji thought bitterly.

* * * * *

_So little time had passed since Rukia's death, and yet the misery of it seemed like it had stretched on endlessly. Despite the preparation and planning Renji had to attend to, and the fast-paced buzz of Soul Society as everyone prepared for impending battles, Renji was unable to simply bury her memory within him._

_He tried to stop thinking about her, but just when he thought he was over the grieving process, a wave of anguish would hit him. Each time, the crippling reality of her death stopped him dead in his tracks, and it took all of his self control to keep himself functioning, so that no one else would realize his inner agony._

_Finally, he realized that pretending to forget was ineffective. Instead, he decided he had to face her memory so he could try to move on. He started to focus on thinking about her, about who she was, truly. He considered what really made her do the things she did, make the decisions that she made... Rukia had witnessed the murder of Ichigo's sisters, and though she knew could no longer protect them, she engaged in battle with Aizen._

_Although the waves of grief he felt imagining these difficult topics were unbearable, they also made him feel even more endeared toward Rukia. Without hesitation, and knowing that she would lose, she sacrificed herself when people who were dear to her were felled at the blade of a madman._

_Rukia was the kind of person who would sacrifice herself for someone she cared about—maybe even for a stranger. Though she knew she was not saving Ichigo's sisters, her sacrifice was made out of love and loyalty. _

_She had chosen her way of life as a Shinigami, knowing that it was a dangerous one. Surely she did not regret the way she met her end—even if Renji regretted it each and every minute of every day._

_Bearing this in mind, Renji found himself being able to cope with her death more easily than before. Though the grief still weighed heavily on his heart, it gave him a semblance of peace. _

_While visiting her grave one day, Renji was surprised to see Ichigo was already there. He knelt in front of her final resting place, hunched over with his face buried in his hands. Though Renji did not hear the sound of sobs in the quiet graveyard, Ichigo's shoulders shook violently. _

_Renji kept a safe distance, not wanting Ichigo to notice him. Several minutes passed, and there was no change in Ichigo's condition. Renji briefly considered approaching him to see if he was okay, and started to take a few steps toward him… But he stopped, thinking better of it, and kept out of sight._

_Ichigo has been sinking into a deeper depression with each passing day, and Renji had no idea how to help him out of that wretched state. Even if Renji knew a way to help him, he wasn't sure if he was the right person to support someone going through so much suffering—or if he even wanted to be the person who Ichigo leaned on._

_The grief crept up on his heart again, as he suspected that Rukia would have been that person for Ichigo if she had been there. She would have helped him through the grief of losing his family. An unprecedented mix of tormenting emotions tore at Renji's heart. _

_He clutched at his chest, willing his body to relax, to not succumb to the grief. Yet he knew why it bothered him so badly. He had always wanted Rukia to be that person to him, the person on whom he could rely in his moments of need; and likewise, the person she could equally rely on. Yet it seemed that Rukia and Ichigo had shared an even greater bond together than the two of them had, despite their time together being so much shorter. _

_A lesser source of frustration was also that once again, he did not know how to deal with a situation that Rukia would have adeptly handled without hesitation. He had no idea what to do for Ichigo, but if Rukia had been there, she would surely have been able to make Ichigo stand tall again._

_Renji watched him in silence, keeping his distance, until finally he decided he should leave. He walked away, only stealing a quick glance back at Ichigo, who was still hunched over and sobbing, with his hands tightly clenched over his mouth to keep any sound from escaping his lips._

* * * * *

Renji realized he felt like he was in the same situation once again; watching Ichigo from a distance, wondering if he should approach him or leave him alone.

A few subtle differences distinguished his old memory from the present, however. For one, this time Ichigo had taken extreme measures to ensure that no one would try to help him. Additionally, this present day Ichigo was devoid of any signs of suffering and anguish, and seemed to be plodding along in his new life with no worries.

The day he left Ichigo alone by Rukia's grave was the last time he abandoned him when he was in a wretched state, Renji remembered.

Despite his initial hesitation, Renji became the only person who Ichigo leaned on as he shut everyone else out. With Rukia, his father, and his sisters gone, he pushed everyone else from Karakura Town out of his life, despite their numerous attempts to see him.

He forced himself to train vigorously, until his physical exhaustion was on par with his constant mental exhaustion, rarely taking a moment to relax. Renji was fairly certain the only time Ichigo did anything besides train, eat and sleep was that day he visited Rukia's grave, and the nights they spent alone together…

Renji felt the hair of the nape of his neck raise, as he swore he could feel someone's hot breath on his neck. He frantically turned from side to side, wondering who it could be, but no one was there. He closed his eyes tightly, realizing it was just the remnant of another poignant flashback. He did not want to remember those times right now, or how those nights began.

* * * * *

_The barracks for Section X were located far on the outskirts of the Seireitei, in an old structure that had been out of use for many decades. There was one private room, a long hall with a dozen beds, and a large equipment closet. As soon as Renji saw the layout of the barrack, he was apprehensive about the close quarters. Renji was assigned the private room due to his rank, but he had been hoping Ichigo would also have private quarters._

_Ichigo had been staying at the Fourth Division so that he could be observed by Fourth Division medical staff. His injuries were healed, but Renji had not been the only person concerned for Ichigo's mental state. Hanataro Yamada had been keeping a particularly close watch on him, and when he learned that Ichigo was being assigned to a different area, he warned Renji that Ichigo had been having great difficulties sleeping._

"_Every time he falls asleep, he wakes up soon afterwards from terrible nightmares. Sometimes he wakes up screaming or yelling; other times, he thrashes around until he wakes himself up," Hanataro informed him fervently. "I tried to see if I could relocate with him, since it's not too unusual to have people from the Fourth Division accompany other squads on training missions, but Captain Unohana said it was not appropriate for anyone from our division to go…" he trailed off._

_Renji nodded slowly. Of course Hanataro knew nothing of what was happening--only the captains, lieutenants, and a few select people from the Department of Technology knew about Section X._

"_I also heard that you'll be going with him," Hanataro said carefully. He looked up expectantly for an answer._

"_Yeah, I am," Renji replied. That bit of information was no secret._

_Hanataro squeezed his hands together nervously, fidgeting. "Well, Abarai-san, I know this is probably out of line for me to ask, but I must ask you… Please keep an eye on Kurosaki!" Before Renji could respond, Hanataro quickly started sputtering out an explanation. "I'm really concerned for him, and I don't think that he realizes just how out of control his nightmares are getting before he wakes up. Very few people know about it, and it might be hard for him if everyone knows what kind of trauma he's going through. He seems like he doesn't want anyone to know about his problems, and no matter how many times I've tried to talk to him, he just cuts me off and tells me he's fine…"_

_Renji barely listened to the string of excuses. He wasn't offended that Hanataro had asked him a favor, though it was obvious the timid man was worried that Renji would be angry at him. Instead, as Hanataro continued his animated monologue, Renji's mind drifted to Rukia._

_Although he didn't want to make Ichigo's wellbeing his responsibility, Rukia would have done anything she could to help Ichigo through his time of need. _

"_Yeah, alright," he answered finally, interrupting Hanataro._

"_You will?" He smiled brightly, the relief on his face obvious. "Oh, thank you, Abarai-san! I'm in your debt, truly."_

_Now, standing in what was going to be their residence for an indefinite period of time, Renji could tell that Ichigo sleeping in the communal area was going to cause tremendous problems. He entertained the idea of letting Ichigo have the private room, but because he was the lead commander of Section X, he had to observe propriety._

"_Oi, Ichigo, I think we're gonna have to change a few things in here," Renji called out. He and Ichigo were the only ones there. The rest of the section would be brought over later._

"_What are you talking about?" Ichigo scowled._

"_It's because there's not any sort of an office in here," he lied. "We might need t' discuss things that the rest of our troops shouldn't hear, and th' only place to do that is in the private room. I think we should set it up t' be an office with two beds in there."_

"_That's a stupid idea," Ichigo scoffed. "I mean, the office, sure... But even if we need to talk about something, there's no reason why I can't just come out here and go to sleep when we're done."_

"_Listen, we need to look out for the soldiers under us. I don't want it to be a regular thing that you might wake some people up in the middle of the night. Even if you try to be quiet, let's face it, you're pretty damn noisy," Renji pointed out._

"_What the hell are you talking about? You'll probably manage to wake everyone up even _with_ your own room," he retorted._

_Renji raised his fist and started to shout an angry reply, but he caught himself and bit his tongue, trying to calm his temper. "Look, I'm not saying we're gonna enjoy it, but I think it's what we need t' do. It's big enough in there for two beds an' some sorta desk or table we can both work at if we need to. I doubt we're going to have much paperwork with this gig, though."_

_Ichigo was silent for a moment. Finally, he nodded in response. "Fine. You better not be a pain in the ass, though."_

_Renji gnashed his teeth together. "Same to you." _

_The first night proved his idea to be the right one, however; Renji awoke in the middle of the night to the sound of thrashing sheets and strangled cries. He leapt out of bed, instinctively ready to fight back against some unknown danger, and immediately realized that the sound was coming from Ichigo's bed. _

_Renji was unsure of what to do. Hanataro had only told him to keep an eye on him… He hadn't mentioned how to help him. Ichigo cried out unintelligibly, the pitch of his voice slowly rising. Renji sat back down on his bed and watched him as he worked his way through the fit. Finally, he seemed to snap awake, and he pushed himself into a sitting position on the bed, panting. _

_Renji quickly returned to a horizontal position and feigned sleep. He kept stealing glances at Ichigo, but he was just sitting upright, staring blankly ahead. Finally, sleep started to overcome Renji and he nodded off. He woke up several more times, but there were no more cries… probably because it seemed Ichigo never returned to sleep. _

_Training began very roughly for Section X. As Captain Kuchiki had surmised, most of the members had been pulled from the Stealth Force, particularly from the Secret Remote Squad. Overall, Renji was very pleased with the fighting capabilities and temperaments of them all. There were a total of eight men, making their section ten in number. _

_The first few days mainly consisted of sparring and training exercises to conceal reiatsu. Most of the Shinigami were already adept at this task, and the rest of the members picked up quickly. The only person struggling was Ichigo._

_Yet despite this obstacle, Renji felt fairly confident in Section X… Until the INA's arrived from the Department of Technology._

_Captain Kuchiki has not been exaggerating when he said the device might be useless to some. Light and shadow were the only things visible through the filters, except for faint outlines of moving objects—though it was difficult to discern exactly _what_ was moving._

"_What the hell are we supposed to do with these things?" Ichigo spat, tearing the INA off his head and dangling it in front of him in disgust. "I feel like I'm going to cut someone's head off if I train wearin' this thing."_

"_If it's too hard for you, then just get th' hell outta here," Renji shot back, although deep down, he shared Ichigo's same frustration._

_Still, the group had to push on, regardless of how discouraged they were by the uselessness of the INA's. Captain Kurotsuchi Mayuri said there would be an improved version, but gave no promises as to when. Renji had no idea when Section X would be put to use, so he forced everyone to press on._

_Ichigo's agitation with the situation was apparent, but Renji noticed that he tried to bury it when the other members of the section could overhear him. Ichigo felt like the struggle was hopeless, but even in his deranged state he did not wish to bring others down. Only Renji heard the string of curses that often escaped his mouth during practice._

_Yet Ichigo's increasing hopelessness during the day was nothing compared to the melancholy of his nights. Ichigo continued to wake up crying out and shaking every time he tried to sleep. Renji suspected he never got more than two or three hours of sleep a night, and probably would have gotten even less if he had not been physically exhausted from the intensive training. _

_The two men had just begun to push the limits of their physical abilities, and Renji knew Ichigo would not last long if his insomnia continued. Maybe it was this realization that made him reach out in a way he never thought he would…_


	5. Chapter 5

Title: His Solitude

Rating: M (for adult themes)

Characters: Renji/Ichigo

Chapter: 5 of 10

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

Warning: **Spoiler warning**. Follows manga canon until chapter 338.

* * *

CHAPTER FIVE

Renji tried his best to stay focused on Ichigo's movements, hoping that distraction would keep him from vividly recalling the difficult memories from his past. Unfortunately, Ichigo's work was long, intensive, and excruciatingly boring to observe, so Renji could not help but let his mind wander. He had some sort of low-level labor job that involved road repairs. Renji sat on the roof of a nearby building, silently watching, struggling to stay awake.

What Renji learned from nearly nine hours of observation was that Ichigo's work life was dull, repetitive, and devoid of human interaction—not exactly the most helpful data.

He worked with about a dozen other men, all of whom interacted with each other constantly. They laughed, they joked, and some of them tried to include Ichigo in conversations, but he immediately disengaged. Perhaps because of this, Ichigo also worked harder than any of the other men. While they took frequent breaks, Ichigo worked diligently and without complaint or idleness.

Renji's brow furrowed as he realized he was treating work like he treated training, but obviously this type of work could not push him anywhere close to his physical limits. Even at the end of the day, when his co-workers were sluggish and drenched in sweat, Ichigo showed no signs of fatigue.

From eavesdropping on the co-worker's boisterous conversations, Renji gathered that they were off for the next two days. He hoped Ichigo's free time would prove to be a bit more insightful.

_I could just stop him right now so I don't have t' keep following him around like this,_ Renji berated himself silently, still trailing him from a safe distance as Ichigo headed home from work. _This is just useless. All I want to do is punch the bastard. Why should I care what his life is like?_

Feeling brave, he very nearly followed Ichigo right into his apartment, but at the last minute he ducked out of sight.

"Dammit, what a coward," he murmured under his breath. Deep down, he felt like he wanted more information—the kind of information that a point blank question would not reveal. Still, his hesitation angered him.

Renji may have changed his mind yet again and barged into the small apartment if he had more time to consider it, but Ichigo quickly reemerged. He had discarded his work clothes for moderately cleaner apparel. As he walked out, he pulled on a worn-looking grey jacket while ruffling his hair, shaking out the dust and dirt from the day's labor.

As he ruffled his hands through it haphazardly, Renji noticed how different the color and length of his hair made him look. While he would have imagined that a dark-haired Ichigo would be identical to Shiba Kaien, the former lieutenant of the Thirteenth Division, Ichigo's appearance instead made him resemble Kaien even less. Perhaps it was the closely-cropped hair that looked like he had cut it himself. He wondered how different it felt, if there was any change to the texture, with the short, slightly uneven tendrils…

He bit down on his lip, hard, forcing himself to bury the thought. Regaining his focus, he inwardly scolded himself, and cursed the memories that kept resurfacing, leaving him frustrated and confused.

Ichigo's destination was a decrepit bar a short distance from his home. Renji stood outside for a while, and entered behind a large group so he would not draw unnecessary attention with his entrance.

On the inside, the bar was even more squalid than he had imagined. Most of the occupants seemed to be veteran drinkers. He looked around at the tables, expecting Ichigo to at least have drinking buddies to sit with.

Yet instead, Ichigo was one of a few solitary people at the bar. Renji quietly sat himself at a back table, watching. Ichigo stared straight forward, never glancing to either side. Even when people sat near him or someone suddenly shouted, he never bothered to turn around. He just kept drinking, glass after glass, maintaining a steady pace.

Watching him, Renji realized he looked a lot like the old alcoholics seated around the room. Withered, older men hunched over their glasses, clutching drinks with weak, shaking hand. Granted, Ichigo was in impeccable shape, and his hand firmly clutched the heavy glass, but something seemed similar…

Briefly, he felt a pang of guilt. If Ichigo was like these men, it may be his fault. After all, he was the one who poured sake down his throat time after time… Sometimes Ichigo tried to stop him, but Renji insisted it would help. _Nothing better t' make the bad memories disappear t' the background than a couple a' drinks_, he would tell Ichigo.

Really, he did it to make Ichigo sleep at night, rather than to ease his pain while he was awake. Nightmares plagued him, and even when he had passed out from the alcohol, he still screamed for his dead family. The only difference was that when he woke up the next morning, he didn't remember his awful slumber. Renji thought he was doing something right because Ichigo seemed to have an easier time dealing with the physical pain of a hangover than his emotional pain. Rather than waking with hands trembling and hyperventilating, he woke cursing Renji for forcing him to drink too much.

Yet the present Ichigo, leaning over the bar, steadily raising his cup to his lips, drinking, and lowering it again seemed nothing like the haunted shell Renji recalled. His hands didn't shake. His movement didn't waiver. His lips didn't tremble as he sipped the potent liquid.

Renji's guilt subsided, and he slumped back in his seat, realizing he had been tensing his posture. _It doesn't look like he's havin' those awful thoughts anymore… It's useless to get myself so worked up over someone who's stopped caring_, he thought. Renji concluded that Ichigo was unconcerned with the suffering he had caused, oblivious to all around him. There was no sign that he felt even a glimmer of the ache and sorrow he once felt.

Ichigo's drinking continued for hours, until well after midnight. When he finally left, he could barely walk straight.

Renji was disappointed, if not disgusted, with what he had seen so far. He was ready to go back to Soul Society. His mission had been to stake out the area for arrancar, and to see if they posed a serious threat in the area. His conclusion was that they did not, and that his further surveillance was unnecessary.

Yet once again, a lingering feeling he dared not name washed over him, drawing him toward Ichigo, compelling him to stay. Though on the surface it appeared there was nothing more to see, his intuition—or perhaps a vague notion of hope—told him to wait. There _had_ to be a justifiable explanation for why Ichigo would put everyone through the misery and pain of his death, to live a life of solitude and selfishness, free from the obligation of helping or looking after anyone.

No matter how frustrated or disgusted he was, Renji really did want to know the reason. He gave in, and decided to sleep outside, with Ichigo's door in view. He already knew he would get little rest.

At dawn, as Renji drifted out of a restless slumber, he realized that he could hear the sound of familiar footsteps. He opened his eyes and saw Ichigo walking down the stairs.

_What the hell is he doing? He couldn't've slept more than a couple of hours,_ he thought.

To his surprise, as soon as Ichigo got on the sidewalk, he broke into a slow jog. Renji raised an eyebrow. Ichigo may have been diligent in his training, but this was extreme. Even Renji would postpone his training until later in the day after a night of heavy drinking.

Yet Ichigo was certainly not immune to the effects of a hangover. Within minutes, he stepped behind a tree, doubled over, and vomited.

Renji grimaced, expecting him to stop and return home, embarrassed and defeated. He wondered what kind of impulse had made him think he could go running after a night like that.

Ichigo stayed hunched over for a few moments longer, eyes clenched tightly closed, as though there was another wave of nausea hitting him. Then he straightened his posture, looked forward, and broke right back into stride as though nothing had happened. To Renji's surprise, Ichigo ran for nearly an hour before he returned to his apartment.

Despite the strange morning run, the rest of Ichigo's day was dull, filled with work out after work out, daily chores, and other mundane tasks. He went through the motions of his day automatically. He had no visitors… no hobbies… nothing but what was necessary and what would improve him physically. Only one thing broke the monotony; when he returned to the bar, sometime after the sun had set.

Before following him, Renji double-checked himself to make sure he would not be recognized. He expected that Ichigo was still fully capable of seeing shinigami and hollow, and his more frequent visits to the real world over the past decade and a half had taught Renji how to dress discreetly. He had been wearing his hair tucked under a large hat so barely any of the brilliant red was visible, and the tattoos on his forehead were obscured. His clothes were long-sleeved and nondescript—a far cry from the tawdry outfits he would wear when he used to visit Ichigo in Karakura Town.

Renji decided that tonight, he would make his confrontation. He could wait no longer. If he did not make contact with Ichigo tonight, he would cease following him and return to Soul Society.

Ichigo sat at the bar, same as the night before, barely speaking, even to the bartender. Yet the kind-faced bartender was very polite to him, responding quickly to his abrupt shorthand, the faintest smile affixed on his face. Renji waited patiently, observing every movement.

And then, he saw the cue he was looking for—a sign of inebriation. Ichigo's grip, which had been firm and unyielding, failed him for the briefest of moments. His glass slipped from his hand as he was lowering it to the countertop, and it landed with a loud clack, causing drops of liquid to splash across his hand.

Renji stood up and confidently strolled to the bar, his eyes focused on the empty seat to Ichigo's left. He sat, figuring that Ichigo should recognize him once he was at this close proximity, despite his disguise.

"I'll have what he's having," Renji told the bartender, nodding toward Ichigo. He glanced over at him, waiting for a reaction. To his dismay, Ichigo's gaze was vacant and distant as he focused on some unknown object in front of him.

Again, Renji felt a faint glimmer of disappointment roll over him. The sensation was becoming all too familiar. He had felt nothing but a series of disappointments since he had arrived in this city. He was also a bit dumbfounded; he hadn't really thought through his next move if Ichigo paid no attention to the man who sat right next to him in a bar, when there were plenty of empty seats that would have given him a bit more personal space.

Renji took a sip of the drink in front of him, and murmured a quick thanks to the bartender. He thought about his next course of action, stealing glances at Ichigo every few seconds. Other emotions threatened to bubble to the surface: disappointment, anger, frustration. Renji did not want to acknowledge these feelings, but at least they were emotions he could name.

Some other feeling also lingered in the back of his mind, swimming amidst his unsure thoughts, but he could not pinpoint it. He could feel his heart pounding at a slightly elevated rate. He told himself it was because of the frustrating situation—it couldn't be from being so near Ichigo after all these years. He felt more and more uneasy as the minutes ticked by.

_Maybe that thick shell is all that's left now, _Renji mused_. He was good at puttin' up a wall. Hell, everybody we fought alongside thought he was just fine, even when he was barely holdin' it together._

* * * * *

_It was a few weeks into their training for Section X. Ichigo was making progress toward suppressing his reiatsu, though he remained far behind the rest of the section._

"_We may as well just blindfold ourselves, and the problem would be solved. At least then we wouldn't need to wear these ridiculous looking things," Ichigo would cry out in frustration, angrily throwing the INA to the ground. "And can't we just wear something to conceal reiatsu? How the hell am I supposed to focus on that while I have to fight half-blind?_

"_If you wear anything t' hide your reiatsu, it holds back a little bit of your reiatsu, too. It'd be too risky using it when we could wind up fightin' at any second," Renji explained for what felt like the hundredth time._

_Worse than his frustrations with training, however, were his nightmares that seemed to be becoming more poignant. On one particular night, his cries echoed louder than normal. At first, Renji groggily opened his eyes, wondering if he should bother getting out of bed. It's not like his interference had been doing any good—just like any other night, Ichigo would wake up after a short while, and then never fall back to sleep._

_Then a horrible, inhuman wail escaped Ichigo's throat, and a brilliant flare of reiatsu jostled him awake. The force was so strong, he felt as though he might be pushed backwards._

_Renji instantly sprang out of bed. Although he knew it was only Ichigo, he felt an unreasonably panicky sensation in his chest._

_Ichigo began to scream the names of his sisters. Renji turned on a light and realized that Ichigo's body was rigid, his muscles painfully taut, and he was drenched in sweat._

_Renji felt sweat forming on his own brow as he tried to figure out what to do. Ichigo had always woken himself up before he reached this point. He kneeled in front of the bed, unsure of how he could help._

_Ichigo started to hyperventilate, his reiatsu flaring, driving Renji into action. Firmly grasping Ichigo's shoulders, he started to shake him, the strong reiatsu threatening to push him back. Suddenly, Ichigo's arm shot upward, and he grabbed onto Renji's arm, his fingers sinking painfully into his flesh._

_The reiatsu flare subsided. Ichigo's eyes snapped opened, but he looked dazed and disoriented. He breathed heavily, and his shoulders shook uncontrollably. Renji tightened his grip on his shoulder, as though it could make the shaking stop. He felt helpless, at a complete loss for what could be done. Ichigo stared at him for what seemed like an eternity before his eyes finally came into focus. _

_Realizing where he was, Ichigo loosened his grip on Renji's arm and slumped backwards. He raised his hands in front of him and stared. They shook uncontrollably. Ichigo's terror-stricken eyes met Renji's._

"_Renji," he managed to choke. "What the hell just happened?"_

_Renji felt his breath catch in his throat. "You were screaming," he replied finally. Ichigo flinched. "I woke you up because it seemed really bad… Worse than before…"_

"_Great," Ichigo muttered, covering his face with his hands. He pulled away from Renji's grasp sharply. Then he leaned back on the bed and turned to his side, his back to Renji. "Can you just go now?" he said rudely, his voice sounding strained._

_Renji could tell he was trying to hold back a sob. His body twitched and he seemed to be trying not to breathe, in case a cry might escape his throat._

_Frustrated, Renji grabbed Ichigo's arm and jerked the trembling man toward him. Ichigo's eyes opened wide in surprise. _

"_What the hell are you doing?" he finally sputtered._

"_I can't deal with this anymore, Ichigo," Renji replied angrily. "I don't know what th' hell I can do t' help but if you keep this up, you'll never be able t' focus enough t' do what you have t' do."_

"_How I deal with all the shit happening to me is none of your goddamn business," Ichigo spat._

"_Like hell it isn't. We're on the same team and you can't even do one of the two fucking things were supposed t' do."_

"_So what? We haven't been at it that long so—"_

"_You've been havin' reiatsu flares in your sleep, and th' one you just had was one a' the worst ones I've felt. You prob'ly woke up everyone in the building."_

_Renji didn't know what he expected Ichigo's response to be; cussing, yelling, maybe a punch or shove, a jab in the chest…_

_Instead, Ichigo's body slumped in defeat. He stared dejectedly down at the ground, his shoulders sagging forward. "Dammit," he murmured, covering his face with one hand. "I don't know what to do anymore."_

_Renji felt the breath catch in his throat. He stared at him, at a loss for words. Ichigo hung his head in shame, and Renji still grasped his by his arm and shoulder, not realizing that he had been holding him like that for an inordinately long time._

_Finally, Renji sighed heavily. "I'm no good at stuff like this," he said, loosening his grip on Ichigo's arm. "I don't know all of what you're going through, but maybe we've both got t' face it t' get you through it."_

_Renji closed his eyes and softly said the only words coming to his mind, knowing he would feel foolish for saying them. "I wish Rukia were here t' tell both of us what t' do." His voice cracked near the end, but he continued, hoping Ichigo had not noticed. "Since you won't talk t' anybody else anymore, not even your friends back in your town, all you've got t' face this with is me."_

"_I know, Renji," Ichigo replied quietly. To Renji's relief, the defeated expression on his face had softened._

* * * * *

As the night grew later, the bar became louder and more boisterous as its patrons drank more and more. Renji still remained unnoticed by Ichigo, who still seemed entranced in his own world.

Renji looked behind him as a few yells pierced through the general din of the small bar. Two men were shouting at each other, fists drawn back. A moderately attractive woman waved her arms at them, large breasts nearly bouncing out of her shirt each time she flailed. She was screaming at the men, but Renji couldn't quite hear what she was saying. It looked like she was telling them to stop the fight. He guessed they were fighting over her.

One man took a swing as the other rushed forward, pummeling his opponent into a table. Several glasses crashed against the floor, causing shards of glass and drops of liquid to fly in every direction.

Renji realized after a moment that the bartender had approached Ichigo. "Excuse me, do y' think y' could take care of this? Next couple on the house like usual… I can't have 'em breakin' anything else."

Ichigo nodded solemnly, downed the rest of his current drink, and quickly left his chair. Before the fighting men knew what was happening, Ichigo had dragged them to the doorway and threw them unceremoniously out the door. The woman quickly followed, screaming angrily at Ichigo.

"Thank you very much," the bartender called out loudly, bowing in appreciation. Ichigo nodded in acknowledgement.

As he walked back to his seat, Renji stared at Ichigo. For a brief moment, they made eye contact, then Ichigo looked away again. Renji frowned in disappointment. He really had not expected it to take so long for him to be recognized. _Maybe I should take my hat off, _he thought with annoyance.

Suddenly, Ichigo stopped dead in his tracks, and a flicker of fear crossed his eyes. Ichigo turned back to look at him, and Renji saw a fear in his expression that he had never seen before. In an instant, the air of smug confidence surrounding him that had been irking Renji had completely vanished. His lip quavered uncontrollably, and a drop of sweat trickled down his temple. It was a terror Renji had never seen before, even when Ichigo had faced Aizen, surrounded by his fallen comrades…

* * * * *

_Renji could only watch helplessly as Ichigo and Aizen battled, his useless body barely allowing him to lift his head and watch the scene unfolding in front of him. It was a struggle to keep the position, but he knew it was almost over. He wiped blood away from his eyes._

_Ichigo was a terrifying sight to behold, and even Aizen's normally expressionless face showed blatant fear._

"_Your illusions aren't enough to cover the scent of blood on your hands," Ichigo declared. And there, he prepared his killing blow, his face devoid of any emotion._

* * * * *

Renji blinked back the memory, a bit startled that it came to his mind at this moment in time. Yet remembering Ichigo then, it was hard to believe that the man before him was the same as the one from the memories of his past… that a man who had faced Aizen without hesitation would tremble at the sight of a former comrade.

_More than just a comrade,_ he thought. Then he immediately scolded himself,_ Dammit, don't think such a ridiculous thing_.

Ichigo's eyes met Renji's again, and he made a sudden movement as though he was about to bolt for the door. Then his gaze shifted to the bartender, who was giving him a puzzled look as he placed a fresh drink at Ichigo's place at the countertop.

With obvious difficulty, Ichigo returned to his seat.

"Finish your drink and we'll leave," Ichigo said quietly, so that only Renji could hear.

"S'that how you greet an old friend?" Renji grinned.

Ichigo's brow furrowed angrily. "I won't talk to you here," he responded. A shaky hand brought his drink to his lips, and he drank several large gulps.

"Have it your way," Renji muttered.

They finished in silence. When both cups were empty, Ichigo stood up to leave, and Renji followed a few moments later. Not another word was spoken until they reached Ichigo's apartment.

After entering, Ichigo beckoned Renji toward the only chair in the room, and he sat on his bed.

"How did you find me?" he asked solemnly, his head hanging low, like a beaten down and caged animal.

"Someone felt your reiatsu flare up when they were sent after an arrancar around here. It got back to Kira, and he told me," he explained simply.

"The reiatsu flare…" he repeated numbly. He clenched his fists and slammed them down on his knee angrily. "Dammit! After all this fucking time, and that was what gave me away."

Ichigo looked up at Renji, his face contorted into a scowl. "That arrancar was about to get somebody and that damn Shinigami protector was nowhere in sight," he continued furiously. "If that idiot had just been there, I would've never…" he sighed heavily and unclenched his fists in defeat. "But it's too late now. You've found me."

"Tch, I still barely noticed you," Renji noted. "I just happened t' realize it was you when you were out runnin'. You look like a different damn person."

Ichigo nodded, unconsciously stroking his hand through his short, dark hair. "Yeah, that was the idea… to blend in." After a lingering moment of awkward silence, Ichigo looked up and his eyes met Renji's.

"Renji," he said, and the ache and sorrow in his voice made Renji feel like the breath had been knocked out of him. All he could do was stare back speechlessly.

"Are you going to tell them I'm here?" Ichigo asked somberly.

Renji swallowed hard. The truth was that he had not thought much about what he would do beyond finding Ichigo. As soon as he returned to Soul Society, Kira was definitely going to ask him what he found out. Still, if everyone found out that Ichigo was alive, it would hurt a lot of people. Inoue Orihime's tear-stained face flashed across his mind.

"Everyone is gonna want t' know you're here," he answered finally. "I'd need a damn good reason not t' tell anyone. No one knows why the hell you did what you did. I've always said there was somethin' wrong with th' way you died, but most of 'em accepted it a long time ago. Telling certain people will put them through hell again, just like you made them go through back then."

"So you need me to answer questions and you won't tell," Ichigo summarized, ignoring Renji's last remark. "Fair enough. I don't know if I can give you any satisfactory answers, though."

And so the discussion began. Ichigo was dismissive and unhelpful, but his answers became more cogent when Renji brought up a particular name: Urahara Kisuke.

Renji had always suspected Urahara's involvement in Ichigo's death, and learning that his death had been staged meant that Urahara's help was necessary for Ichigo. There was no way Ichigo could have planned something so elaborate without help from the suspicious shopkeeper.

Ichigo bowed his head solemnly. "Yeah, I had Urahara's help. He's the only reason I could do any of it."

"So you asked him to help you fake your death?" Renji asked, fighting to hold back asking _why_ so early in the conversation.

Ichigo shook his head. "No, that's not what I asked."

"Huh?" He blurted, unable to contain his surprise. "What did you ask him, then?"

He closed his eyes. "I asked him to destroy my soul."

Renji's eyes widened. "What?" he shouted, nearly jumping to his feet. "Why th' hell would you ask for something like that?!"

"To end it… I wanted to end this miserable cycle," he replied flatly, clenching his jaw. "I didn't want to live out the rest of my pitiful life, only to die and go to Soul Society. It's not any better there. I'd just face the same things. Suffer through life, die, and repeat. What else can I do? Become a lost soul? A hollow? Go to hell?" He sighed again. "I didn't want any of it, ever."

"What did the old man tell you?" Renji asked, raising an eyebrow.

"He said there's a process similar to the Quincy's way of destroying hollows. But he told me that if I wanted him to do it, it might take him years to do the research to get it right because he didn't know how to apply it to a human soul."

_Sound like bullshit to me,_ Renji thought. _He definitely already knew how t' do what Ichigo asked. _ "Tch, but we're talkin' about fifteen years… Are you telling me he's still trying to get it right?" Renji asked skeptically.

Ichigo shrugged.

"So why not at least wait it out in your own town?" Renji asked, too impatient to see if he would respond meaningfully to his last question.

"I couldn't," he rasped, shutting his eyes tightly. "I didn't want to stay there another day, let alone years. There was nobody else I could've asked besides Urahara, so I took him up on a suggestion to get me out of there, no questions asked, while he worked on my real request."

Renji could see Ichigo had more to say, and he struggled to stop himself from asking a barrage of questions before he was finished.

"This gigai is the same type of gigai my father had," Ichigo said finally. "It's undetectably similar to human flesh, and it ages like people do."

"You can die of old age in that thing?"

Ichigo shrugged. "I don't know—I never asked that question. It's not like I thought I'd have to find out the answer. Urahara broke the bond with my real body, but I don't know if it means my soul is tied to this one."

"So that's it? Fake your death and move away? That's how you evaded everyone all this time?"

Ichigo shook his head. "There's a little more, just so I could get by normally, and not be traced back to my old self. As far as Soul Society and Japan are concerned, Kurosaki Ichigo is dead. I just had to go to a city where no one would recognize me. Thanks to our final mission together, I can conceal my reiatsu all the time with almost no effort. I figured that was the biggest thing that would give me away."

"Huh," Renji replied, not sure what else to say.

Even with the pieces of the puzzle beginning to fit together, Renji still felt as though he was not seeing something vital. He tried asking more questions, but none of Ichigo's answered proved helpful. Finally, Ichigo cut him off and announced that he was going to sleep.

"I'm not satisfied with what you've told me yet," Renji said, standing up. "I'll be coming back to talk to you again."

"Stay," Ichigo said quietly, staring down at the floor.

"Eh?" Renji raised an eyebrow in surprise.

"You're just going to sleep outside and keep an eye on me anyway, right?" he muttered. "Just sleep on the floor."

After a few moments of hesitation, Renji reluctantly accepted. Yet falling asleep in the cramped apartment was no easier than sleeping outside. He felt uneasy, but he could not figure out why. The room was tiny, so Renji was sprawled out on the floor next to Ichigo's bed. He was so close, if he sat up he was probably just an arm's length away…

_I wonder if he still cries out in the middle of the night_, Renji wondered. He lay awake for some time, listening to the sound of Ichigo breathing, waiting for a choked gasp or a moan, but it never came. His sleeping rhythm was slow and regular, and after some time Renji finally fell into a dreamless sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

Title: His Solitude

Rating: M (for adult themes)

Characters: Renji/Ichigo

Chapter: 6 of 10

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

Warning: **Spoiler warning**. Follows manga canon until chapter 338.

* * *

CHAPTER SIX

Renji woke to the sound of movement. When he opened his eyes, Ichigo was exiting the front door, wearing the clothes he always seemed to be wearing when he ran. Renji kept still until the door was closed, so Ichigo would not know he had awoken. He stared up at the ceiling, reflecting on the information Ichigo had given him the night before.

Urahara Kisuke had given Ichigo help. Urahara had told Ichigo that he would need to research a method to destroy the human soul, and had helped him fake his death so Ichigo would not need to wait in Karakura Town until the method was perfected.

It was cleary a blatant lie. Just as Urahara could expertly manipulate souls, he could destroy them just as easily. There was no reason the Quincy's method of destroying hollows would not work on a human soul, just as there was no reason why a Shinigami could not be killed by the same zanpakuto used to kill hollows. If Ichigo had been thinking clearly, surely he would have realized it… But he probably was not thinking with a clear head while he was in that fragile state.

Renji's blood boiled when he remembered his own confrontation with Urahara that took place a short time after Ichigo's death.

* * * * *

"_Somethin' 's not right with this," Renji shouted, shaking his fist in anger at Urahara. "An' just like I can tell there's somethin' wrong with what's going on, I can tell there's not somethin' right with you, too."_

"_My, my," Urahara replied, gently fanning himself. He remained calm and unaffected by Renji's hostility, and a dull smile covered his face. "I don't know what else I can tell you, Abarai-kun. I was shocked when I learned about what happened, and even Soul Society informed me that there was nothing suspicious about his death…"_

_Renji glowered at him, trying not to tremble in his rage. "The thing is, you weren't even shocked. People who barely knew Ichigo were more surprised about him killin' himself than you were."_

_Urahara's smile faded. "I may not have been as overly emotional as some, but I would ask that you don't mistake that for indifference."_

"_I'm not mistakin' it for indifference," Renji spat. "I'm saying that you weren't surprised 'cause you already knew about it. I want to know what you know."_

"_Abarai-kun," Urahara said sternly, taking a step toward him. He rested a hand on his shoulder. "Just because you cannot accept his death does not mean it didn't happen. You may not understand why, after surviving countless life-threatening battles, Ichigo would choose to take his life in solitude, but I'm afraid it's the truth. You must face it."_

* * * * *

Renji furrowed his brow at the memory. After those words, the look on Urahara's face… Renji's suspicions never faded, but at that time he thought that Urahara's sadness was genuine, and he never questioned him about Ichigo's death again.

Yet as he thought about why Urahara did it, his anger faded. Ichigo _had_ gone to him, asking to have his soul destroyed. Renji disagreed with what had happened, but if Urahara had flat-out refused to help, what would Ichigo have done? Maybe Urahara hoped Ichigo would eventually find a new reason to carry on.

_Tch, if that's th' case, his plan didn't work out_, Renji thought, glancing around the empty apartment.

Knowing that Ichigo would be back soon, he tried to figure out what questions he could ask that might elicit better answers, but nothing came. No matter how hard he racked his brain, he could not figure out what could make a man turn away from everything in his life.

What could it be…?

* * * * *

_In the depths of Hueco Mundo, Renji knew he was about to meet his end. Separated from everyone else in Section X, he was forced to face Aizen alone. He tried to block an attack, missed…._

…_And watched in disbelief as Aizen's zanpakuto pierced through his chest._

_Yet before the zanpakuto could penetrate any further, Ichigo suddenly appeared and rushed toward Aizen. He felt the breath leave his throat when he noticed the intense look on Ichigo's face as he pummeled Aizen away, causing him fly across the room. _

* * * * *

Renji quickly sat upright, unconsciously clutching is chest. For a moment, he thought he could smell blood, but he realized it was just the vividness of his memory.

_Not something' I wanted t' think about_, he scolded himself, pulling himself to his feet.

As he looked around the apartment, Renji concluded that it was just as barren as he had imagined when he first peeked through the window. Wondering if he could find something to eat, Renji walked over to the kitchen. Really, it was not quite a separate room. There was a small refrigerator, a stove, and a few cabinets against a wall, but the apartment was so cramped that he felt like there just happened to cooking appliances in the bedroom. He opened the refrigerator and peered inside, but it was almost completely empty. There was nothing that Renji dared to eat. He poked through a few cabinets, but other than a few dusty dishes, they, too, were empty.

Defeated, he continued searching the apartment for other items that might have given him insight to Ichigo's current state of mind. The furniture was old, cheap, and practical. There was not a single decorative item to be found. There were no books, magazines, or newspapers. He did not even own a television.

Renji combed through the drawers of the old, worn out desk, but there was nothing interesting. Renji realized that Ichigo did not have a single photograph anywhere in the apartment, not even of his family. In a way, it didn't surprise him. That was surely a painful memory Ichigo would not want.

* * * * *

_After learning of Rukia's death from Captain Hitsugaya and Matsumoto, Renji rested in the Fourth Division infirmary. He was struggling to hold back a sob after Matsumoto exited the room and he was finally alone. He had barely been able to hold his composure when Captain Hitsugaya told him of what had happened to Rukia, and to Ichigo's family. Now he was alone, and he could hold back the tears no longer._

"_Rukia," he whispered, a sob catching in his throat. "Goddammit, why her…" He silently fought against his tears, but then he heard a creak and realized someone else was entering the room. He quickly wiped his eyes and looked up at the door, wondering who else it could be._

_Orihime quickly entered, furtively glanced behind her to make sure no one saw her, and closed the door. _

"_Abarai-kun," she called out, her voice cracking slightly. Her eyes were still red and puffy._

"_I thought Rangiku told you to sleep," Renji said. He was worried that she could tell that he had been crying, but Orihime looked so distraught, he doubted she fully realized her surroundings. "You look like you need it."_

"_I don't think I can," she said dejectedly, her eyes welling with tears. "I'm so worried about him… Kurosaki-kun… No one knows where he went." She looked at the empty bed next to Renji. "Even if I find him, I don't know what to do."_

_Renji shifted uneasily. "I don't know what t' say to him, either, but I'm sure you'll figure somethin' out."_

_She shook her head fiercely. "I c-can't do it," she stammered, "but I'm so worried about him. That's why I had to come back and talk to you… Please, Abarai-kun, go find Kurosaki-kun and make sure he's okay."_

"_You want _me_ to talk to him?" he asked in disbelief. "Tch. I'm not gonna be the one t' do somethin' like that."_

"_I t-tried to talk to him earlier," she whimpered pitifully, wiping the tears rolling down her cheeks. "He wouldn't even speak to me. I'm s-scared he might… he might…"_

"_Shouldn't that be more of reason to go find him and talk to him now?" Renji interrupted._

"_I… can't…" she whispered. She buried her hands in her face. "…Scared…" She muttered a few more things, but they were inaudible._

"_What did you say? You're scared?" Renji asked._

"_Y-y-yes," she stuttered._

"_Tch, what are you scared of? He might yell a little, but I think it'd be better for somebody t' go talk t' him, at least," Renji said. _And it's definitely better if it's Inoue t' do it and not me, _he thought to himself._

"_No, it's not that. It's… It's Kurosaki-kun. He… He turned into one… A hollow…" She choked, and started to sob quietly. "I was scared. I can't h-help it… I'm still scared," she whispered._

_A moment before, he had felt pity for Orihime. She always seemed to be extremely fond of Ichigo, and he thought that her concern and exhaustion was only because of how much she cared for him._

_Yet as soon as those words escaped her throat, any sense of pity he felt toward her instantly turned to anger. He could figure out what had happened. Rukia had made a few vague comments that Renji never understood about Ichigo having a different power than they did. Also, while Renji was in Hueco Mundo, he felt a sudden surge of reiatsu that felt like that of a hollow or arrancar, yet reminded him of Ichigo, that he could not quite explain._

_Yet when Ichigo had rescued him earlier that day, and Renji saw Ichigo tear a hollow mask off of his face, all of Rukia's undecipherable comments suddenly made sense. _

_Renji guessed that Ichigo must have exposed this hidden form to Orihime while he was saving her. Yet even though he himself felt uneasy with the notion that Ichigo had powers similar to that of a hollow, he felt disgusted toward Orihime for _fearing_ him because of it. He used everything he had to rescue her and protect her, and this was how she showed her gratitude._

_Even now, as Renji remembered opening his eyes to see that someone with the face of a hollow was grasping him, he felt no fear when the mask was removed and he saw it was Ichigo underneath._

"_Tch, I'll go," Renji told her, biting his tongue to prevent himself from saying what he really thought of her at the moment. He pulled himself out of bed carefully. His body still felt a little bit sore, but Orihime had healed most of his wounds already. _

"_Abarai-kun, thank you so much," she called out, reaching out toward him._

_He pulled his arm back right as she was about to touch him, and glanced at her. "Go to sleep," he said, trying to hide the irritation in his voice. He did not even bother to look back to see if his abruptness had upset her._

_Ichigo was not that difficult to find. Renji figured he probably went outside to someplace isolated, and sure enough, he was sitting on the steps behind the Fourth Division infirmary._

"_Oi, Ichigo," he called out, taking a seat next to him._

_Ichigo stared straight ahead of him. "Renji," he murmured in response._

_Renji suddenly realized that he had absolutely no idea how to start the conversation. He had been so irritated at Orihime's behavior that he said he would find Ichigo, but he truly had no idea what he could possibly say. _

"_I'm sorry," Renji said finally, resting his arms on his knees. _

"_S'okay," Ichigo replied automatically. _

"_Yeah, sure," he scoffed. It was hard not to instantly resort to hostile retorts when he spoke to Ichigo, but he realized it was probably prudent to attempt a kinder tone in this situation. _

_Ichigo remained silent, staring down at the ground ahead of him. His face was emotionless. The circles underneath his eyes were painfully dark._

"_I don't really know what I can say t' you, but I can see by looking at you that you need some sleep. Why don't you come back inside for just a little bit?" Renji suggested._

"_I'm not going back in there," he said flatly._

"_Why not?" Renji asked, but he knew the answer. There would be many people coming to see how he was doing, and to offer condolences. "Ah, I can see if we can get someone to stand watch and not let anyone in…"_

_Ichigo sighed, but did not reply._

_Renju shifted uneasily. "Listen, I know how you've got to be feeling right not, but stayin' out here isn't helping—"_

"_You know how I feel?" Ichigo replied coldly. Renji looked up in surprise. Suddenly, the expressionless face was contorted into a deep scowl, his eyes narrowed in anger. "You think you can even say something like that?"_

"_Maybe I don't know exactly how you feel, but I have some idea—"_

"_You have absolutely no idea," Ichigo bellowed, slamming his fist on the ground. When he picked his hand back up, Renji noticed there was blood smeared on the pavement. "Everything… Everything I've done is meaningless," he said angrily, gritting his teeth together._

_Renji opened his mouth to speak, but he quickly stopped himself, realizing he was about to shout back at Ichigo. He wanted to scream at him that he was an idiot for saying something like that, but looking at the trembling man, he decided that for once, he needed to bite his tongue. _

"_My entire family is dead. The home I grew up in is destroyed. Even the town I live in is in shambles because I've failed at everything," he raged. "I couldn't save anybody. I don't even know how to face everyone right now."_

"_No one is blaming you for what happened," Renji replied. _

"_What about the people in Karakura Town? They don't blame me, but how can I face them, and lie with them?" he asked angrily, his gaze finally turning toward Renji._

_Renji gaped at him. The look on his face was painfully conflicted, and his normally fierce eyes were filled with defeat. "What do you mean, lying with them?" he finally managed to ask._

"_Did you hear what Soul Society is doing to cover up the damage in Karakura Town?"_

"_No," Renji replied. _

"_It's being disguised as an earthquake," he said with disgust. "The massive earthquake occurred because Karakura Town sits on a previously undiscovered fault line--a fault line being manufactured by Soul Society as we speak."_

_Renji digested the information for a moment. It was actually a pretty good way of covering up what truly happened, since it was an easy way to explain all the casualties and damage. Yet looking at Ichigo, he did not want to voice this opinion._

"_My father and my sisters… They're just gonna be names on a list of people who lost their lives in a 'natural' disaster." He clenched his fists. "And I'm supposed to act like it's what happened. I'm supposed to lie to people who tell me they're sorry for my loss, and what a tragedy it was. And I have to pretend that it's not something I could have prevented with my own hands…"_

"_You're not th' one t' blame for what happened here. We all got tricked by Aizen again. How were we supposed t' know what would happen?" Renji told him. _

"_Yeah? You telling me you don't think things could've came out differently if you'd been by Rukia's side?" Ichigo said coldly._

_Renji felt his chest tighten. That was _exactly_ how he felt. If he could have been there, he may have been able to protect her. Even if it had cost him his own life, he would have saved her…_

_He quickly turned his attention back to Ichigo. "Inoue's the one who sent me to look for you. She's really worried about you," he said, wanting desperately to change the subject. _

_Yet while Renji expected Ichigo's expression to soften, instead, his face contorted into an even angrier expression. "Ah? Do you really think I believe that girl is worried about me?"_

"_Huh?" Renji said in surprise._

"_Inoue is _terrified_ of me now," he spat. "She saw the terrible thing inside of me while we were in Hueco Mundo, and now, she's too horrified to even get close to me."_

_Renji flinched. He was hoping that Orihime had not been so stupid as to show her fear in front of Ichigo, but perhaps he expected too much of her. "She told me that she tried to talk to you earlier, and you wouldn't respond to her."_

"_I took a step toward her, and she _flinched_. The look of fear was plain on her face. I've seen her make that face before, but not at me..." He laughed, but it was a strained and painful laugh. "It's what I should expect. I don't want anyone to know about the terrible thing inside of me, because this is all I can expect is fear. The only person who didn't fear it was Rukia, and she's _dead _because I couldn't protect her."_

_Ichigo continued on for a while, his rant growing more and more incoherent as he went on, fixating on his "inner monster" and how everyone would treat him if they knew the truth. Finally, when Renji could take no more, he grabbed Ichigo's wrist and forced him to face him as he shouted, "That terrible thing inside of you? I know it's there, I know what it is, and while I don't totally understand it, _I'm not afraid of you_."_

_Ichigo yanked his arm back, opened his mouth, and started to scream a retort. The words died in his throat though, and suddenly he leaned forward and buried his face in his hands, shaking violently. _

"_Oi, Ichigo," Renji said cautiously. "Ichigo…" _

_Ichigo ignored him, and Renji finally quit trying to speak. He sat beside him, deciding that he would take him back inside… as soon as the shaking stopped._


	7. Chapter 7

Title: His Solitude

Rating: M (for adult themes)

Characters: Renji/Ichigo

Chapter: 7 of 10

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

Warning: **Spoiler warning**. Follows manga canon until chapter 338.

* * *

CHAPTER SEVEN

Renji shivered and covered his face with his hands as he recalled Ichigo's torment. _Why do I keep thinking about stuff like this? _he thought. Being near Ichigo was dredging up many terrible memories that he had wanted to stay forever buried.

Before a new memory could overtake him, Ichigo returned, carrying a bag of groceries.

Renji eyed the bag hungrily. "I bet you probably already noticed there wasn't a whole lot of food in here," Ichigo said, setting the bag down on the counter.

Renji looked at Ichigo in surprise. For a moment, Renji thought Ichigo had sounded amused, and he expected to see a glimpse of a smile or a smirk on his face, but instead his expression was weary and brooding. _Must've been my imagination_, he thought.

"You've still got more to ask me today, don't you?" Ichigo asked as he put away the contents of the bag.

"Yeah," Renji replied hesitantly. He wanted to know many more things, but he was still at a loss for what else he could say to elicit the right responses.

Ichigo nodded solemnly, and pulled a large bottle of sake out of the bag. "Not a conversation I want to have without this," he muttered loudly enough for Renji to hear him.

A considerable amount of time later, after the sake had chilled and they had both eaten, the conversation from the previous night could finally continue.

"I thought about what you told me Urahara said t' you, and it doesn't make sense. It's one thing t' say he just needed a little time t' be able to do what you were asking"—Renji could not bring himself to say aloud that Ichigo wanted to destroy his soul—"but that was a long time ago. Didn't you wonder after a year or two what th' hell was going on?"

Ichigo nodded slowly. "Yeah, I did. For a long time, I believed Urahara, though. He'd always helped me in some way or another, even before I knew I wanted help. He never failed when it came to finding out a way to do something that everyone else said couldn't happen."

"You don't still believe he's gonna come up with something, do you?" Renji asked hesitantly.

"No. I know he lied to me. I figured that out a long time ago," he replied solemnly. He bent down and rested his head on one hand, covering his eyes. "For the longest time, I just struggled to keep moving forward. I had a little bit of money, but I had to figure out a way to keep going on for a while. Just getting used to a new name, new identity… It was pretty hard, and I had a time with just that. Thinking that any day, I could finally get released from all this awfulness was about all that kept me moving."

Ichigo sat up again, but would not look Renji in the eye as he continued his exposition.

"I didn't have to worry about anyone finding me, so long as I was careful. Urahara did so well getting rid of my old identity and covering all the loose ends that no one even came close. I guess it helped that this city is so far away from Karakura Town. I see the town guardian here from time to time, but I don't think he's realized I can see Shinigami. Other than that, no one from Gotei 13, none of the vaizards, no one had found me.

"Even if someone I used to know did happen to see my face, they probably wouldn't figure out it's me," he noted, running his hands through his short, dark hair. "Except you, that is."

"Is that why you never went back to find Urahara?" Renji inquired.

Ichigo nodded. "Yeah, that's why. After a few years, I realized that he wasn't coming to find me… But if I went back to Karakura Town to find him, I risked _everyone_ finding me." He shook his head from side to side. "That's something I just couldn't've taken."

Renji leaned back in the chair, watching Ichigo intently.

"You want me to say more, don't you?" he asked listlessly.

"Ah," Renji nodded affirmatively.

Ichigo sighed, slumping his shoulders. "What else can I say?"

Renji mulled it over for a minute. "Last night, you slept soundly. When did that start happening?"

Ichigo flinched noticeably. "I don't know exactly when… It was a long time ago, when I was still getting used to living this way. I realized that when I stuck to a routine, the flashbacks didn't seem so bad. As time when on, I made everything in my life more and more regular, and I tried to keep busy enough to make myself stop thinking about all the stuff that happened in the past."

Ichigo nervously rubbed his forehead. Renji noticed that despite the relatively cool temperature in the room, Ichigo had broken into a cold sweat.

"The awful thoughts still came though," he said lowly, his voice sounding slightly strained. "All of the terrible things that I let happen. Everyone was killed by hollow and arrancar… And then, there's that hollow inside of me." He shook his head fiercely. "I realized that there was a reason I was never released from this."

"Eh?" Renji asked in surprise. "I'd think it was just 'cause Urahara didn't want t' go through with it."

"That's not what I mean," Ichigo sighed. "It has nothing to do with Urahara's whims. It's something a lot more inescapable… I'm still here because I deserve to drag out my miserable life as long as possible. This is all I can do to atone for all the things I've done wrong."

"Eh?!" Renji repeatedly loudly, an expression of shock on his face.

Ichigo ignored him. "I figured out that to live is to suffer, but it's what a person like me—hell, a monster like me—deserves. It's _all_ someone like me deserves."

"How can you still feel like that after all these years, Ichigo?" Renji asked, his brow twitching irritably. "You saved a hell of a lot of people by killing Aizen, and you've saved a lot of people directly, too."

Ichigo clenched his hands into fists, and Renji realized he was trembling slightly. "I let too many people die, Renji."

"You didn't just let them die—" Renji started.

"I did—" Ichigo started to shout, but he stopped before he could finish whatever he had wanted to cry out.

"Renji," Ichigo said quietly. "Can I ask you something?"

"Huh? Yeah, of course," he replied.

"That awful, bloody battle…" he started, clutching the sides of his head as he spoke. "…Do you still see the fighting?"

"Well, yeah. I think about it sometimes, sure," he replied. _Especially these last few days,_ he thought to himself.

"That's not what I mean," Ichigo strained. "I mean, do you still see it like it's in front of you, feel like you're suddenly back there. Does it ever happen to you?"

Suddenly Renji felt as though a pertinent piece of the puzzle in his mind had snapped into place, but instead of the satisfaction of working out a mystery, he felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.

_The fight is still going on in his head_, he thought with disbelief. Even now, Renji could see that Ichigo was shaking, still clutching his head, as though horrible things were happening before his very eyes.

Renji had tried so hard to bury his unspeakable memories, and it had been endlessly difficult. He remembered how he and Ichigo, as well as everyone else in their squad, had been pushed beyond their physical limits, while meanwhile Ichigo was far beyond his mental limits.

Renji felt his own body start to shake as he remembered the feeling. Overcoming the crushing defeat of all the previous battles against Aizen, and carrying the burden of being selected to be part of a group specifically commissioned to defeat him, had been nearly unbearable.

He remembered that he, too, thought he would welcome death once their mission was successfully completed—if their mission _could_ be successfully completed. He feared each and every day that Ichigo would not even make it that far.

Only one thing had ever ebbed that pain, if only for a few short moments…

* * * * *

_Gradually, Section X became better, but Renji still feared that Ichigo's condition was becoming worse. He continued to push himself to exhaustion, despite barely being able to rest at night. _

_Renji also felt the effects of Ichigo's nightmares. After being woken to the sounds of his anguish during the night, Renji usually had a difficult time falling asleep again, so he always felt exhausted in the mornings. Still, he hid his tiredness from the rest of the members, if only to keep morale up._

_One night, after a few hours of sleep, Renji's eyes flickered open as a faint wail echoed across the room. He had figured out that it was better to stop Ichigo before the nightmares became too difficult for him, so he quickly rolled out of bed and knelt next to Ichigo. _

_Ichigo's face twisted as though he was in pain, and he let out a pitiful cry. Renji wondered to himself how such a strange situation had become so normal to him after such a short time._

"_Ichigo. Oi, Ichigo, wake up," he called out softly, lightly shaking Ichigo's shoulder._

_After a moment, Ichigo's eyes flickered open, and he sat bolt upright. "Renji," he croaked, breathing heavily. Without warning, Ichigo's hands shot forward and gripped him by the shoulders._

"_Hey, what do you think you're doing?" he said in surprise._

"_Renji," Ichigo repeated, squeezing Renji's shoulders tightly. "Goddammit…"_

_Renji squinted at him. "What's going on?"_

_Ichigo did not answer until his breathing slowed down. A bit uncomfortable with the close contact, Renji tried to lean backward, but Ichigo's hands still grasped him tightly._

"_Rukia…" he whispered finally. _

_Renji's jaw dropped. At the mere mention of her name, it was as though every muscle in his body had tensed. "What… what about her?" he asked when he had partially recovered from the shock._

"_How have you coped with what happened, Renji?" Ichigo asked, his eyes tightly clenched shut. He was visibly shaking._

_Renji bit his lip. Really, he had no idea how he was coping with Rukia's death, but he didn't want to tell Ichigo that. Just the mention of her name made him feel as though his feet had been kicked out from underneath him._

_After a pregnant pause, he finally responded, "I thought about what she'd want. I don't think it's what Rukia'd have wanted, for me t' keep mourning her. She always got onto me if I was moping around, and she definitely wouldn't forgive me if it was 'cause of her." Renji bowed his head, looking deeply troubled._

"_The rest," Ichigo said quietly. _

_Renji looked up, a bit startled. _

"_Tell me the rest. I know there's more to it." _

_A conflicted expression crossed Renji's face. He felt an uncomfortable twisting sensation in the pit of his stomach, and almost started to insist there was nothing else. Then he looked at Ichigo, and realized he was staring straight into his eyes, expectantly awaiting an answer. His brown eyes were filled with torment. _

_Renji averted his gaze, fearful to stare into those eyes for too long. "She chose it," he said softly. "The way she chose to live… It's the life she wanted t' live, no matter what would happen. We could've stayed in the Rukongai, and even though we would've still had to fight t' survive, it wasn't like it was in Soul Society. She's faced things that could've made her stop trying so hard, but she still kept on." Renji clenched his jaw, trying to maintain his composure. "She trained hard, she studied hard… With that kinda attitude, she could've gone far, and she knew the risks."_

"_Her choice, huh…" Ichigo murmured. Renji felt the hands on his shoulders clench a bit more tightly. _

"_Ah," he nodded. "She would've rather died like that—" suddenly he clasped a hand over his mouth, trying to stop at unexpected sob from escaping his mouth. To say that she died was just too much for him. "…Like that, rather than stand back and let somethin' she didn't agree with happen."_

_Renji closed his eyes, willing himself to keep his emotions in check. Ichigo may have thought that he was coping with Rukia's death, but he still could barely stand to think that he could never see her again. _

_When he opened his eyes again, he realized that Ichigo's face was twisted into a terrible expression. He painfully clenched his jaw shut, his lips twisted back, exposing his teeth. "Ichigo?" Renji said concernedly._

"_I can't accept that," Ichigo said, his voice breaking into a sob. "I can't accept Rukia's death by thinking like that." He bowed his head, and locks of sweat-soaked orange hair fell over his eyes. "I can't accept hers, and I can't accept my dad's or my sisters's. Even if Rukia knew this might wind up happening one day, my family never asked for any of this. They didn't ask to get involved in any of this… They just wanted to live as a family."_

_Unexpectedly, Ichigo fell forward, and his forehead hit Renji right below his shoulder. His hands released the firm grip on his shoulders, and slid down his chest. To Renji's surprise, Ichigo clutched onto his clothes, and made no move to try to back away._

"_I feel like no matter what I do, I can't stop thinking about them. They're all gone and yet they're following me around, and sometimes it shocks me so much that I barely remember where I am or what I'm doing. I can't get away." Ichigo let out another sob, and Renji felt his body shake as he tried to hold it back._

_Although Renji felt like he did not know what he could do to comfort him, he reached around Ichigo's back and pulled the trembling man closer to him in an awkward embrace. _

_At first, Renji felt Ichigo's body tense, as though he was going to pull away. Then he conceded and leaned into Renji, his sobs now sounding more uninhibited._

_Renji was also trying to stop shaking, thinking about Rukia and the unexpected question of how he had coped with her death. As he felt Ichigo quiver against him, he felt a more admissible feeling wash over him; the feeling of their commiseration._

_As he held Ichigo's strong, warm body against him, he realized that he felt an inexplicable source of comfort. For the first time in a very long time, he was suffering along with the person beside him… This was a feeling he had only shared this intimately with Rukia, back when they were just children._

_Renji held onto Ichigo tightly, clinging to the momentary relief he felt in the comfort of their shared misery._

_Yet the feeling was fleeting. Even with this realization, nothing had changed. They soon returned to their dire reality. Section X continued to train brutally, and at the end of each day, everyone was left physically and mentally exhausted from the difficulty of fighting with the INA's. _

_Ichigo began to train even further beyond his limit, in what Renji could only assume was an attempt to fall asleep suddenly and soundly. Each day, when training was dismissed, Ichigo stayed outside and continued to practice, sometimes well into the night. _

_When Ichigo did not return one night, Renji went out to search for him. He was going to tell Ichigo that he did not want him to inadvertently wake everyone up when he came crashing back into the barracks, but in truth, he was legitimately concerned._

_He found Ichigo in the middle of a distant field, unconscious. He checked him for wounds, but he seemed unharmed. He suspected that the strain had been too much, and Ichigo had passed out from fatigue._

_Renji kneeled over him and roughly started to shake him while calling his name loudly._

"_Wake up, idiot!" he finally shouted. "I don't want t' have t' carry your ass back."_

_Ichigo's eyes gradually opened, staring at Renji blankly. _

"_Get up, you idiot. You passed out in the middle of training," he berated._

"_As if I would," he grumbled groggily, pulling away from Renji and forcing himself into a sitting position. "Ugh, I feel awful."_

"_You've been laying on the ground. What did ya expect would happen?"_

_Ichigo uncertainly pulled himself to his feet, wobbling slightly as he started to walk forward. After a few steps, he nearly fell over again, but Renji grabbed him by the arm and held him up._

"_You really are a moron," he grumbled, slinging Ichigo's arm over his shoulder to support him._

"_What the hell are you doing?" Ichigo protested. He tried to pull away, but he was too weary. Renji struggled to keep him on his feet, concerned that he may pass out again on the walk back. He cursed Ichigo under his breath for training so far away from their barracks._

_When they finally arrived, Renji sharply elbowed Ichigo in the ribs, trying to perk him up._

"_Ow!" he cried out. "What the hell was that for?"_

"_Listen up," Renji told him, jerking Ichigo around so he could look him in the eyes. "I know you're exhausted outta your mind, but you've got t' try t' look alright when you walk through this room. I don't want anybody t' see you like this, got it? You just need to make it across the room. Once you get in our room, you can fall flat on your face for all I care."_

_Ichigo glared at him, pulling away. "Yeah, got it."_

_Though his steps were unsteady, he made it through the barracks without falling over or crashing into anything. As soon as they reached their private room, however, he nearly fell over again. Renji slammed the door closed and rushed toward him, once again stopping him from completely toppling on the floor. After placing him in the bed, Ichigo fell asleep immediately._

_Renji also fell asleep quickly. While he slept, he had an exceptionally vivid nightmare. Suddenly, while he was in the throws of terror, a mortifying scream rang out. The crushing noise made him lose his senses, and he began to panic blindly, not even understanding what was happening that was paralyzing him with fear. _

_But soon, the sleepy haze began to lift, and as he started to gain awareness of his surroundings, he realized that a scream was echoing across the room. _

_Renji immediately leapt out of his bed and rushed over to Ichigo, but by the time he reached his side, the orange-haired man was already sitting up in his bed._

"_You okay?" Renji asked, realizing that he was out of breath. His grogginess had dissipated, but the feeling of trepidation had not left. _

"_I'm fine," Ichigo muttered in response, staring straight ahead. Even in the dim light, Renji could plainly see that Ichigo's eyes were wide and fearful._

_Renji shook his head from side to side. "It's pretty obvious you're not alright." He leaned in closer, scrutinizing him. Ichigo's lip was undoubtedly quavering. "See? You can barely stop shaking." _

"_Leave me alone," Ichigo growled, as he reached and started to shove Renji's chest. Yet before he could apply enough pressure to force the larger man away, he looked up at Renji, his mouth open in surprise. He moved his hand and pressed it against his arm, as though trying to figure something out._

_Renji shifted uneasily. "What the hell are you doing?"_

"_Why are you shaking, too?" Ichigo asked, his voice much calmer than before._

"_Eh?" Renji recoiled. He was not sure if he was more startled that he was indeed shaking, or that Ichigo had noticed it before he had. "It's nothing."_

"_I'm not alright," Ichigo said somberly, answering Renji's earlier question. "It was the same kind of dream I always have. I'm never alright afterwards." He squinted at Renji, studying him. "Now answer my question. Why are you shaking?"_

_Renji's body slumped. "Just the same," he sighed. "A dream. I can't quite shake it off."_

_Ichigo stared at him, a conflicted expression on his face. Renji realized he felt the same as he did at that time, when they awkwardly held each other close, and he had realized they were sharing the same sort of misery._

_Unconsciously, he started to reach out toward Ichigo, not really sure of what he planned to do. He felt like he wanted to have that moment of solace again, but as his hands were about to rest on Ichigo's shoulders, he stopped himself._

What the hell am I doing? _he thought angrily, looking down with embarrassment. He felt like am imbecile, realizing that he had wanted to put his arms around Ichigo again. It was the only time he had felt even the slightest hint of comfort in a long time._

_Yet when he looked up again, he realized that Ichigo was still staring at him, and had leaned forward significantly closer. He looked into his pained eyes, and he felt an ache in his chest. He did not understand what he was doing, but as they stared at each other, they both continued to lean in…_

_Their lips connected, and Renji stopped suppressing the urge to put his arms around Ichigo and be close to him again. With his hands on Ichigo's back, he could feel that the orange-haired man was still trembling, but it was much fainter that before. His lips no longer trembled._

_The kiss was not like any kiss that Renji had ever experienced before. Rather than being the soft, supple lips of a woman, they were rough and forceful. Instead of Ichigo leaning back in his arms, succumbing to him, he felt like they were on even terms. Just as he pressed forward, Ichigo pressed back equally. He felt strong arms wrap around his sides, and hold him, uncertainly but firmly._

_Renji felt the wave of comfort wash over him again, and when Ichigo no longer shook in his arms, he wondered if Ichigo was also experiencing something similar._


	8. Chapter 8

Title: His Solitude

Rating: M (for adult themes)

Characters: Renji/Ichigo

Chapter: 8 of 10

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

Warning: **Spoiler warning**. Follows manga canon until chapter 338.

* * *

CHAPTER EIGHT

Renji opened his eyes slowly, and stared sadly at the broken down man before him. Ichigo was still hunched over, his nose almost touching his knees, holding his head in his hands.

That awful feeling that Renji always tried to hide or ignore had always been worse for Ichigo. Time had obviously not changed that fact. Those insufferable memories from fifteen years ago were still repeating in his head, day after day.

Though their actions were probably considered taboo, Renji remembered that those nights, when it was just the two of them comforting each other, were the only times either one of them could calm their tormented minds.

Renji reached out and pulled Ichigo toward him, not giving the gesture too much thought. He had been driving himself crazy for days now, thinking about what Ichigo had done, agonizing over why he had done it. It was no longer time for him to think about. He understood Ichigo's reason now, even if he did not agree with it.

To his surprise, when he pulled the shuddering man close to him, Ichigo grabbed the front of his shirt and pressed himself against his chest, head still bowed down. They stayed like that for quite some time, and Renji made no effort to pull away as Ichigo continued to quietly sob into his chest.

_This feels like those nights all over again_, Renji thought to himself. _We've been like this before._ A wave of guilt washed over him. He had been angry at Ichigo for discarding the past and moving on. Yet now, Renji realized that it was he who had been living the relatively normal life, while Ichigo was barely able to get through each day, always feeling half-dead inside.

Ichigo suddenly recoiled from Renji, scrambling backward until he was up against the wall.

"Goddammit," he cursed, gritting his teeth. "You bastard, Renji." He looked at Renji angrily. "Why did you have to come here?"

Renji's eyes widened. "Huh?" he asked, confused at the sudden change in behavior.

Ichigo slammed his fist against the wall. "Fucking bastard, you just _had_ to find me. Why the hell would you do something like that?"

"What the hell are you going on about?" Renji asked angrily, feeling his temper start to flare.

Ichigo's demeanor had completely changed from a few moments before. He continued to curse Renji, most of his rambling incoherent.

"I've been coping just fine with this shitty existence," Ichigo continued, his tone accusatory. "I gained some distance, and then you come back and fuck everything up."

"Ichigo," Renji shouted, grabbing his shirt and roughly shoving him against the wall. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Ichigo clenched his jaw and glared at Renji, his brown eyes burning with anger. "I'm talking about how somehow, I've found a way to cope with each awful and agonizing day in this shitty life. Each day, I do what I can to distract myself. When I can't distract myself, I numb myself." He averted his gaze. "Then suddenly, you show up, and I feel like everything is out of sync, and I don't even know what to do with myself."

Renji inhaled sharply, and loosened his grip on Ichigo's shirt. "Is that so…" he said softly, his anger vanished.

"What do you mean, 'is that so'? Is that all you have to say?" Ichigo mumbled.

Renji closed his eyes and sighed. "I've had the same problem," he admitted. "Ever since I heard that someone felt a strange reiatsu, and that it might belong t' you, I've felt outta whack. I always thought there was somethin' strange with your death, but t' know you're still alive, an' right here, is really hard t' deal with."

When Renji opened his eyes again, Ichigo was staring at him with a mixture of surprise and irritation. Renji let go of his shirt and backed away.

"Ichigo," he said somberly.

"What?"

"I've got just one last question t' ask."

"Yeah? What is it?" Ichigo sighed.

"When did you decide you wanted t' end your life?" Renji said quietly.

Ichigo rubbed his temples. "I first started thinking about it around the time that Kira joined the section…" he started. "You remember what Kira told us, about his reason for wanting to face Gin?"

* * * * *

_It was indeed unexpected when Izuru Kira showed up at Section X's barracks and announced that per the orders of the captains of the Gotei 13, he was joining their small group._

"_I've been acting in place of a captain in the Third Division, but I recognized that I alone would not be enough to lead a squad of that size in any major battle against Aizen. The strength of the Gotei 13 may lie in its captains and lieutenants, but from the discussions I have heard, the final battle against Aizen will require all of our numbers. I cannot be the one to lead my fellow division when that time comes," Kira had explained to them._

"_So where did the rest of the Third Division go?" Renji asked, dumbfounded by the turn of events._

"_They're being temporarily reassigned to other divisions. Once Aizen is defeated, or a new captain is appointed, the Third Division will be reinstated." Kira looked down, a pensive expression on his face. "I imagine it's difficult for all of them, but I feel they can survive this way. There are no other captain prospects right now, so this had to happen."_

"_Huh," Renji said dumbly. He wondered if the Fifth and Ninth Divisions would do something similar, as they, too, were without a captain._

"_Kira," Ichigo said, speaking for the first time since greeting him. "I get why you said you don't think you're ready to play the role of captain, but why are you joining this section? Even if you were reassigned along with everyone else, they wouldn't've put you here."_

"_Ah, you're right," Kira nodded. "I was the one who requested to be reassigned here. I've been secretly training with the INA's, and I've become fairly proficient with using it. I demonstrated this to the captains, and they allowed me to join."_

"_You wanted to join?" Ichigo asked._

"_Yes," Kira said. "I wish to be part of this section for the sake of facing Ichimaru Gin."_

_Ichigo furrowed his brow. "You just want to get revenge on your old captain?"_

That doesn't sound like Kira, _Renji thought to himself, but he decided it was best to let Kira explain._

"_Well," Kira started, as though searching for the right words. "Thought I have a personal involvement with what happened, I don't want any sort of personal vengeance. I simply think that what Ichimaru Gin did is not a thing that can be forgiven or overlooked. He deserves to be punished fully for his betrayal to me and his men._

"_I wish to be the person to administer that punishment."_

* * * * *

"Yeah, I remember what Kira said," Renji nodded.

"It was when he said that he wasn't acting out of revenge that I really started questioning my own motivation behind defeating Aizen. I didn't have any great or noble feelings of justice like Kira had. Killing Aizen wouldn't bring anyone back that he had already killed," Ichigo explained with great difficulty. "I realized that I didn't even feel like what I was doing _was_ for the sake of getting revenge."

"I don't understand," Renji said. As he recalled it, Ichigo seemed to become even more focused on destroying Aizen after Kira joined the section. "Are you saying you lost the will t' kill Aizen for a while?" _That just doesn't make sense, _Renji thought privately.

Ichigo shook his head negatively. "No, that's not it. I guess what I'm trying to say is I realized that I wouldn't feel any relief in Aizen's death. It was just a thing that I decided had to be done, and I would throw everything I had into doing it."

Renji nodded. "Go on."

Ichigo furrowed his brow. "So when I first thought about that, I thought about what I'd do after Aizen was defeated… And I realized the answer was _nothing_. That was the first time I wondered if disappearing from this world was the best thing to do."

"But not when you decided t' do it?" Renji inquired.

"No. As we kept on training, there were little things that contributed to it, though, like when we got our orders for the attack on Aizen. I had waited for what felt like so long, and I finally knew the day I could kill Aizen was coming soon… And I felt absolutely nothing.

"But if you want me to pick an exact moment, I'd say the final battle," Ichigo said quietly. "That battle made me decide, with absolutely certainty, what I wanted to do."

Neither of them spoke for several minutes, and Renji felt as though it was in silent memory of the past. Though it was the last thing he ever wanted to cross his mind, he closed his eyes and let the final memories of the battle against Aizen wash over him.

* * * * *

_Section X had reached their peak, and not a moment too soon. Soul Society had issued an order to all divisions to launch an offensive attack against Aizen._

_Section X's order was as top secret as the section itself, and only the captains of the Gotei 13 knew the role they would be playing. They were given instructions as to how they would secretly locate and annihilate Aizen while everyone was locked in action with Aizen's allies._

_After the order was given, the reactions of everyone in the section ranged from apprehension to eagerness. Only Renji, Ichigo, and Kira knew how their own orders fit into the orders of the rest of the divisions, however. After Ichigo listened to the order, he simply went back to training, as though he had heard nothing extraordinary. He trained many hours into the night. Kira remained silent as to his thoughts about it, and if he had any problems, Renji never knew about it._

_Section X's orders to attack Aizen did not sit well with Renji, however. Most of the Seireitei would be part of a frontal attack, and after the battle was underway, two smaller groups would attack from either side. These two smaller groups were to be considered the "secret" attack against Aizen, but what the majority of the Seireitei did not know is that Section X was the real secret assault. Everyone else, both the main force and the two side forces, were simply decoys to allow Section X to more around freely._

_Despite his own feelings toward the order, Renji knew that it was his duty to obey it. Besides, even if he felt uneasy about it, he recognized that providing distractions to Aizen's forces would give his section a high chance of success._

_It was several hours after the battle against Aizen started that Section X entered the battlefield. They ran into the headlong of battle, and Renji knew that every last member had to be sobered by the horrific scenary that lay before them._

_The Shinigami that had preceded them were cows to the slaughter. The most powerful members of Soul Society were able to stand their grounds, but the unranked members had been decimated. Renji felt his stomach turn as he looked at the carnage before him, realizing how many people had been sacrificed simply for the appearance of numbers._

_Though they were surrounded by many, Section X was able to slip by nearly undetectable, killing anyone who stood in their way until they reached the walls of Aizen's fortress. _

"_Oi, listen up, everyone," Renji said loudly, gathering the attention of his members. "Once we get inside of this building, we're going t' have to keep these things at their highest setting, no matter how hard it gets t' see." He tapped the side of his INA. _

What a strange looking bunch this is, _Renji thought wryly. The final INA's looked like sunglasses that were some sort of ridiculous fashion trend. They contoured to the side of their faces though, and they were secured so tightly, it would be difficult for them to accidentally fall off during battle._

_He would have felt better if he could have seen the eyes of his section members, but there was no helping it. He looked at Ichigo, who was standing to his right side. Renji would have especially liked to have seen his eyes. All he could tell now was that Ichigo's jaw was tightly clenched, his expression indiscernible._

_Ichigo remained silent and determined as they entered the fortress. He slashed through his opponents at an inhuman pace, always at the forefront of everyone. Though so many arrancar tried to attack him, not a single blow had reached him. It was as though he was indestructible… an indestructible monster. _

_Even Renji did not dare to try to pass him as he slashed through enemy after enemy, showing not even the slightest hint of mercy or interest. Renji could feel that even the other members of their section were slightly afraid of Ichigo in this state. Only one person dared to throw himself between Ichigo and an opponent._

_When Renji sensed they were nearing their final destination, he felt the weight of a powerful reiatsu crushed down upon him. He looked around, and with horror, realized that Ichimaru Gin was approaching. _

_Ichigo bared his teeth and raised his sword, springing to attack. Yet suddenly, there was a clang of steel, and Renji realized that Kira had stopped his blade._

"_Kurosaki, this one is mine," Kira said calmly, bracing himself against the power behind Ichigo's blade._

_Ichigo lowered his sword and nodded solemnly in understanding. "He's yours," he rasped. Then he turned around and called out an order—the only order he gave during the entire battle. "We'll keep everyone away from this fight. Until Kira wins, no one is going to interfere with their battle."_

"_Thank you, Kurosaki," Kira called out, taking his battle stance. "This won't take long," he said, the despair in his voice prevalent._

_Renji wished he could have watched the battle unfolding, but he had his hands full fighting the arrancar that seemed to have come with Gin. He stole glances back when he could, but since the INA's made it so difficult to see, a sidelong glance was not enough to get a good feel of what was happening._

_The air was heavy, almost suffocating, as he listening to the clang of steel, the rush of footsteps, and the biting comments that Gin and Kira exchanged. _

_When Renji finally had a chance to observe the battle properly, he was shocked to see that Kira was badly injured. As Gin attacked him over and over, he barely had the opportunity to defend. The different in power was obvious, and Renji raised his own sword, ready to rush in to the rescue._

_Before he could make his move, he felt a strong, familiar hand grasp him by the shoulder. "Don't interfere, Renji," Ichigo said emotionlessly. "Kira will win."_

"_Kira's zanpakuto, Wabisuke, is supposed to make everything it strikes twice as heavy," Renji said worriedly. "Yet Gin can still swing his own zanpakuto…"_

"_Look carefully," Ichigo said, facing Gin's direction. "His face is calm, but his hands are shaking, trying to support the weight."_

_Renji realized that he was right. Despite the bored grin plastered across Gin's face, his body was showing obvious signs of struggle. _

"_Another strike or two, and he definitely won't be able to lift it."_

"_Yeah, but Kira looks like he may not have that left in him," Renji pointed out._

"_He does. His will is stronger than that," Ichigo said matter-of-factly, his tone still devoid of any emotion. Renji glanced at him worriedly, but a loud clang brought his attention back to the battle. _

_Kira had hit Gin's blade again. Though he still managed to wield the blade, he fell to his knees. "Seems ya may have gotten better since the last time I saw ya," Gin said nonchalantly, staring up at Kira. _

_Kira struck Gin's zanpakuto again, and it fell to the ground. "This battle is finished," Kira said, taking a painstaking step closer to him._

"_Ha, I don't think so," Gin smiled, letting go of his blade and raising his hands toward Kira. _

"_A kido attack!" Renji shouted. "Kira, look out!" He jumped forward to help, but once again, Ichigo held him back._

_Bright lights erupted forward, but to Renji's surprise, the severely wounded Kira managed to use shunpo to avoid the attack. _

_Suddenly, Kira was behind Gin, his strange-shaped zanpakuto at Gin's throat. "Ichimaru Gin," Kira said calmly, tightening the blade against his throat. "This bitter war you helped create will end tonight."_

"_Ah, it seems that ya got me now, Kira," Gin said, that calm, unsettling smile still plastered across his face. "Don't ya think ya could forgive me, just this once?"_

"_I cannot ever forgive the things you've done," Kira said sadly. _

_Gin lowered his head, still smiling. "It seems ya've learned well then."_

_Kira pulled his zanpakuto back toward himself with great force, and the blade ripped through Gin's neck. When it had finally separated, his body slumped to the ground, and a moment later his head rolled nearby it._

_Renji clenched his jaw. _That wasn't a kill to end a battle… That was an execution, _he thought. Kira's expression was not bitter or enraged as he had drawn his blade, however. Instead, it was an expression of melancholy._

_Though Kira could barely stand, Renji could see by looking at his wounds that he would probably survive. However, he could not go any further. _

_The rest of Section X continued moving forward, and another wave of arrancar confronted them. After Renji slayed the last enemy surrounding him, he realized that in the melee, he had become separated from everyone else. _

"_Shit," he cursed, trying to make his way through the long and winding corridors. He had no idea how he could have gotten away from everyone, but he knew he had to keep moving forward. _

_Renji entered a doorway at the end of the corridor, and found himself in what sounded like an extremely large room, from the sounds of his footsteps. He could not see far enough in the distance with the INA to ascertain where the walls ended._

"_You've done a brilliant job of hiding your reiatsu. Shame you entered the room so noisily and didn't notice I was here though," someone called out to him._

_Renji felt his blood run cold. The voice was icy and unfeeling… and very familiar. When he turned around, a figure stood mere inches away from him._

"_Aizen," Renji gasped. But his shock quickly dissipated, and he drew his blade just in time to block Aizen's zanpakuto._

"_Interesting," Aizen mused as he launched a barrage of attacks at Renji. "You didn't see what I wanted you to see just now. It seems those ridiculous glasses you're wearing aren't just a matter of bad taste."_

_Renji struggled to block the fervent attacks. A few landed, though nothing too deep. A scratch on his right arm, a gash on his forehead, a slice on his hand. Aizen was playing with him._

"_But your fighting skill is definitely inferior to mine. Even if you can't see my illusions, I can beat you with almost no effort," he continued._

Dammit, _Renji panicked,_ it's taking everything I've got t' keep this up, and he's barely paying attention.

"_Unfortunately for you, I would rather do this with absolutely no effort. But that shouldn't be too hard… All I need to do is destroy that device over your eyes." He suddenly lunged toward Renji, his zanpakuto aimed in the direction of the INA. Renji quickly raised his zanpakuto and braced himself to block the attack, but instead of the impact of their blades colliding, Renji felt an unbearable pain in his abdomen._

"_You're much too simple, to fall for a thing like that," Aizen rumbled, pulling his blade back toward him._

_Renji gasped as he felt another jarring pain. He looked down and realized it was Aizen's blade sliding out of his abdomen. The attack had been a feint; Aizen never intended to destroy the INA. _

_Blood poured freely out of the wound, and Renji held his left hand over it, in a useless effort to stop the loss of blood. He could also feel a trickle of warm liquid making its way down his face, presumably from the gash Aizen had placed on his head._

"_How uneventful," Aizen said boredly, raising his zanpakuto. Renji raised his blade, but he knew it was futile. He could already feel himself becoming dizzy from the loss of blood, and the difference between them was too obvious. _

I can prob'ly block him two, maybe three times before he takes me down, _Renji thought. _Hopefully I can get a hit or two in, in the meantime.

_Yet Renji could not land a hit. He tried to find the strength to keep fighting him, but then his knees buckled, and he fell to the ground. He looked up at Aizen, and realized that the blood from his head had leaked into the INA, and was obscuring his vision. He could see his blade was raised, and he knew that it would be over any second._

_Just as Aizen started to swing his finishing blow, Ichigo appeared out of nowhere and crashed into him, sending Aizen flying into the wall. Renji's jaw dropped open in surprise._

_Ichigo was in bankai, and his movements were so fast, Renji could barely follow him. Aizen barely had time to regain his footing before Ichigo unleashed a series of furious blows._

_Renji tried to get up, but he could not find the strength. He resigned himself to watching the battle, trying to see as much as he could through the lenses of his INA that were stained by his own blood. He thought about taking the device off, but he was reluctant to expose himself to the horrifying illusions he was currently being shielded from._

_Ichigo and Aizen exchanged lightning-fast blows for a considerable amount of time, with neither man gaining any ground. The battle was not equal, however; Renji could see that Ichigo was showing the signs of fatigue. Aizen, on the other hand, had not even broken a sweat. _

_Finally, Ichigo jumped back from Aizen, and held his left hand in front of his face. "Tch," he spat. "Apparently this is what I need to do to defeat you."_

_Renji felt a chill run down his spine as a hollow mask began materializing over Ichigo's face. He had only caught the faintest glimpse of this appearance before, but the reiatsu surrounding it was unlike anything he had felt before. _

_As the mask finished materializing, Renji heard a cracking noise, and saw something black shatter and fall off of Ichigo's head. _

Oh, shit_, Renji panicked, realizing what those mysterious pieces belonged to; Ichigo's hollow mask had shattered the INA completely. Yet Ichigo seemed to not take notice, as he suddenly launched himself at Aizen, fighting with an intensity far greater than before. Renji prayed that he could finish the fight quickly._

_Ichigo was truly terrifying in this form, and even Renji was in awe of his power. He managed to wound Aizen several times, and for a moment, even Aizen's complacent face showed a flicker of concern._

_Then Ichigo suddenly froze, and started looking around frantically. _

_Aizen's icy laughter rang out across the vast room. "It seems I have the advantage once again," he said cruelly. Renji saw Aizen appear behind Ichigo, but Ichigo seemed unable to see him. He realized that it must be an illusion._

"_Ichigo, he—" Renji started to cry out, but as soon as he spoke, he began to cough violently. Dark red splatter marks covered the ground in front of him, and an acrid taste filled his mouth. Renji realized he was coughing up blood._

_Aizen's zanpakuto cleanly hit Ichigo on the shoulder, and Ichigo swung around reflexively, trying to strike back at his attacker._

"_It's no use," Aizen said. "You don't stand a chance against me anymore."_

_Renji struggled to stay conscious, watching the battle unfold. Though he could not see Aizen's illusions, he could tell from Ichigo's actions that he was confused. _

_His head jerked to one side, the cold, yellow hollow eyes fixated on some unknown object. Then Ichigo suddenly rushed toward Aizen, and unexpectedly landed a hit._

_Aizen jumped back in surprised, and used shunpo to disappear to another part of the room. "Interesting. I showed you your family once again, and you completely ignored them. That's a very unusual reaction."_

That bastard_, Renji thought, clenching his fists with rage. _

"_Tch, you think I'd believe a lie like that? They were alive all along, and suddenly showed up here? Life isn't that convenient," Ichigo said flatly. "They're gone, and my only target is you."_

"_Your only target is me?" Aizen said thoughtfully. "Interesting. Then I think I know how I can catch your attention._

"_I won't be distracted," Ichigo said ruefully._

_Yet as Ichigo took a few steps forward, he suddenly doubled over, and covered his face with his hand. The hollow mask shattered and disintegrated into dust, and Ichigo returned to bankai._

"_Dammit," he cursed. "I'm out of time."_

"_You're correct to say that," Aizen said, disappearing into the shadows._

_Renji looked at Ichigo. He had a terrifying expression on his face—perhaps the most expression he had shown all night. His face was twisted into a terrible scowl, and his eyes were cold and ruthless._

_He started to look back and forth, as though many things were catching his attention. He swung his blade a few times, but he hit nothing but air._

_Ichigo closed his eyes and forced himself to calm his heavy breathing._

What the hell are you doing, Ichigo? _Renji thought, looking around frantically for Aizen. _

_Still, Ichigo stood perfectly still, breathing so lightly, Renji could not hear a sound coming from him. On an impulse, Renji removed his INA. _

_Renji gasped at what he saw. Ichigo was surrounded by a sea of Aizen replicas, each one identical, and holding their zanpakutos at the ready. _

He's trying to figure out which one is the real Aizen, _Renji thought. He looked down at his INA. _Dammit, if I hadn't taken this thing off, I could've seen when the real one was approaching him. _Yet as another coughing fit seized him, he realized he would have been little help in calling out to Ichigo._

_A few of the fake Aizen's swung their blade at Ichigo, but their attacks did no damage. Renji flinched each time fearing that the next one may be the real Aizen._

_Ichigo snapped to attention, a horrible expression on his face. He vanished, and Renji knew it must be shunpo, but he was unable to follow it. For a few long seconds, Renji strained to see where he had gone. _

_When Ichigo suddenly reappeared, he was standing behind one of the Aizens, his zanpakuto pierced through his abdomen._

_The duplicate Aizens instantly vanished. _

"_How?" Aizen sputtered, blood dribbling out of his mouth. For the first time, Renji saw blatant fear plastered across his face._

_In stark contrast, Ichigo's face was devoid of any emotion. "Your illusions aren't enough to cover the scent of blood on your hands," Ichigo said darkly._

_Ichigo twisted his zanpakuto until the sharp edge of the blade faced up, as Aizen screamed in agony. He lifted the blade, slicing upward, and although the motion was fairly quick, the painful contortions of Aizen's face told Renji that to him it was probably agonizingly slow._

_After the blade had torn upward through his chest, Aizen's body slumped. Blood spurted out of the wound freely. Still, Ichigo tore it upward, until the blade ripped past his shoulderblade and tore free. Before the body could fall to the ground, Ichigo adeptly swung his sword back around and sliced at his neck. The swiftly administered blow beheaded him in one clean shot. _

_Renji had never seen Ichigo so purposefully slay an enemy after battle. He realized that this was one enemy that Ichigo never wanted to come back._

_He looked at the ground immediately in front of him, covered with his own blood. His vision was starting to darken, and he knew that he would pass out soon. _

_The last thing Renji remembered was Ichigo picking him up and throwing him over his shoulder before he lost consciousness._


	9. Chapter 9

Title: His Solitude

Rating: M (for adult themes)

Characters: Renji/Ichigo

Chapter: 9 of 10

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

Warning: **Spoiler warning**. Follows manga canon until chapter 338.

* * *

CHAPTER NINE

After recalling the final battle against Aizen, Renji opened his eyes and looked over at Ichigo, who was clutching his head in his hands.

"Are you remembering?" Ichigo asked him, his voice strained.

"Yeah," Renji rumbled.

Ichigo held his hands in front of him and stared at them. "I can still feel it… feel my zanpakuto in my hands as it ripped through Aizen's flesh," he croaked. "I can still hear that evil, sickening squelch." He rubbed his hands on his face. "I can feel the warm blood splattered all over me."

"Ichigo…"

"I've felt totally empty since that moment, like there's nothing else in life I'm ever supposed to do again," he continued. "That's when I made the decision… The decision to destroy myself. Even now, thinking of that, I still feel it was the right one."

Renji nodded slowly. He didn't agree, and it still pained him to imagine Ichigo's very existence being wiped out completely… but now he_ understood_. He looked down at his own hands. Since he had been around Ichigo again, some memories had came to him so vividly, he felt like he was reliving them. Yet if he had been experiencing that every day, for all these years… He wondered if he would have ended up the same as Ichigo.

"I felt it would have been best if I could have ended my life—no, my existence—right after that time. That's why the next day, I went to see Urahara for ask for his help." Ichigo sighed deeply. "But he deceived me."

"Are you angry at him?" Renji asked softly.

Ichigo frowned deeply. "No, because I understand why it had to happen."

"What do you mean?"

He gazed upwards, a distant expression on his face. "This is exactly what I deserve, to rot for the rest of my life… My life that'll keeping going on and on, so much longer than all the people I claimed I'd protect." Then he looked down, sighing heavily. "I know it's my punishment and I've accepted it, but I can't help but still want to end this despair. Nothing makes it any easier, not even time."

"Not even time, huh…" Renji murmured. Memories of his time alone with Ichigo entered his mind, and he looked over at Ichigo with a conflicted expression on his face. "Say, Ichigo…"

"What?"

He hesitated for a moment, the words catching in his throat. "Did our time together ever ease it for you?" he asked with difficulty.

Ichigo looked at him, a mixture of surprise and sadness on his face. He stared at Renji for several painstakingly long seconds, then looked away again.

"Y-yeah, I suppose it did," he stammered. "It doesn't really make sense though, that you of all people made me feel the closest thing to sanity I've felt in over fifteen years."

* * * * *

_Another scream woke Renji, and he realized it was a nightmare again. He rushed to Ichigo's side, trying to quiet him. He knew that the moment of intimacy they had shared the night before should not ever happen again. As he gently woke Ichigo to stop the yelling, he fully intended on keeping a safe distance._

_Yet Ichigo awoke and their mouths instantly met, Renji did not try to pull away._

_Ichigo clung to him blindly, aggressively, forcefully kissing him, and pulled him on top of his sweating body._

_Renji felt a burning passion course through his body, and he hungrily returned the kiss, feeling Ichigo struggling to pull off his clothes, exploring every inch of him. Renji felt his body tremble in anticipation._

* * * * *

Renji felt his heart start to race, remembering those intimate moments. He felt a hunger and an aching loneliness from far in his past. Those private moments they had shared were the only time in years that he had felt anything but sadness as well, and just the memory of the numbness subsiding was almost too painful to bear.

He stared at Ichigo, and after a few moments, Ichigo returned his gaze, his eyes filled with torment. It was at that moment that Renji really noticed the misery on Ichigo's face… He realized just how dark the circles under his eyes were, and how much deeper the lines on his face were than what they should have been, considering his age.

Renji could not believe that he had not noticed the obvious signs when he first laid eyes on Ichigo, and foolishly thought that he had begun a new life, discarding his haunted past behind him.

He stared at Ichigo's trembling lip, and he remembered the heat of his mouth…

* * * * *

_Everything was warm, and it touched him deeply. All of the sorrow and pain that he had been endlessly enduring seemed to melt into the background, still there, but ignorable, like a noise faintly resounding in the distance. Ichigo's body was strong and exploring, and neither of them tried to pull away from each other._

_For Renji, each and every day had seemed like it was overcast with a haze of despondency, and even the brightly shining sun could not quite reach him through its murkiness. Yet for a split second, Renji thought the grey film had lifted, and he was surrounded by the most vibrant of colors. _

_He turned away, blinking in surprise as he surveyed the room, searching for the source of the brilliant colors. The room was enshrouded in shadows, with the only source of light being the faint glow of the moon beaming through a single window. Then Ichigo grabbed him firmly by the jaw, turned his head back toward him, and crushed his lips against Renji's. He eagerly responded, forgetting about the bright colors that had been absent in his life, barely registering that the mouth he was fervently exploring tasted sweeter than anything he could remember recently. It felt like only he and Ichigo existed in the world, and all of their problems were dissipating as they continued to explore each other._

_In an explosive moment, Renji thought he felt the void inside of him fill, and he felt whole again. The sweet relief made him writh in ecstasy, and he could tell from Ichigo's shuddering body that he was experiencing a similar bliss. Yet the sensation lasted only an instant, and as the slender body fell away from him, it was all he could do to prevent himself from desperately pulling Ichigo near again…_

* * * * *

Renji looked down at his hands and realized they were shaking uncontrollably. He was recalling memories that should have been long forgotten, pushed away like the painful parts of his past. His felt like his heart threatened to burst out of his chest.

"Are you remembering?" Ichigo asked him for a second time.

"Ah," he nodded affirmatively, not able to find any more words. He looked over at Ichigo, and realized that he, too, was shaking.

Renji felt something stir deep within him, and when Ichigo turned to look at him again, Renji realized that he felt the same.

They quickly leaned toward each other, crushing their lips together. As they explored each other's mouth, Renji could not help but savor the sweet taste of the past.

Even together once again, however, the atmosphere was heavy. Renji felt a kaleidoscope of bittersweet emotions wash over him. He could taste nothing but Ichigo, smell nothing but Ichigo, and it reminded him of all of the painful and difficult times they had shared with one another. Still, he continued to press himself closely to him, knowing that the pain would be much worse once they separated, and hoping that just maybe, he could feel that mirthful moment of relief for the first time in so long…

Only with Ichigo could Renji feel this kind of comfort. Perhaps it was because they shared the same burden, and carried the same unbearable memories.

As he slid his hand underneath Ichigo's shirt, Renji felt the tough knot of a scar near Ichigo's shoulder. He knew immediately from its placement that it was the scar from Aizen's blade. It was the one wound that he did not permit anyone to heal. He had never felt it before, and he wondered what else had changed over the years. He kept moving his hands all over Ichigo's body, wanting to explore more.

_He still feels exactly the same_, Renji realized as they began to pull off each other's clothes. He was firm, athletic, and conditioned. Every bit as fit as he had been fifteen years earlier, when they had both spent countless hours each day focusing on nothing but fighting so they would be ready for the battle to come.

Renji pressed his mouth against Ichigo's neck, gently biting at the sensitive skin. It wasn't that much of a surprise that Ichigo still felt so fit, though. He had been training every day, trying to prepare himself for the daily battle in his head.

"Renji," Ichigo moaned lowly, his lips inches away from his ear. Renji felt a shudder run down his body, and he hungrily kissed him.

Renji did not know how many hours had ticked by, but they continued to throw themselves at each other, again and again, until the sun had long since set and exhaustion overtook them. Covered in darkness and Ichigo's limbs, Renji slept more soundly than he had in a very long time. Ichigo also slept soundly, and he did not wake up until after the sun had risen… Long after the time when he usually would have left for his morning run before work.

"I'll be okay missing it," Ichigo told him a short while after they had awakened, when Renji asked him if he would be okay with yet another upset in his daily routine. "A lot has been disjointed these last few days, so changing one more thing probably won't hurt. I'll pull through. I still have a lot of time before I need to leave for work."

"Ah, alright," Renji said, though felt like Ichigo may have been trying to convince himself.

"Say, Renji," Ichigo said quietly as he started to dress. "Can I ask you a question?" Ichigo pulled a shirt over his head and then turned to face him.

"Yeah, it's only fair, considerin' how many questions I asked you."

"What's your position in Soul Society now?"

Renji blinked in surprise. It was the first time Ichigo had inquired about Soul Society since they had been reunited.

"Ah, I'm the lieutenant of the Ninth Division."

"The Ninth? How did that happen?" Ichigo asked with surprise.

Renji looked down thoughtfully. "Ah, it happened right after I turned down the offer to be a captain…"

* * * * *

_It took a while, but after Aizen's defeat, Soul Society slowly started to regain order. One day, Renji was unexpectedly summoned to appear before the captains of the Gotei 13. After a few words of praise for Renji's performance during the final battle against Aizen—a speech that Renji had already heard once before—Captain Commander Yamamoto finally cut to the chase._

"_A captain's position?" Renji said uncertainly. His eyes shifted back and forth nervously. He had been on edge lately, and standing directly in front of the Captain Commander, with a line of captains on either side of him, was making him nervous. _

"_Yes," Yamamoto continued. "Based on your recent performance and accomplishments, we are offering you the captain's seat in the Fifth Division."_

_Renji felt his stomach twist in a knot. There was a time when he would have been bursting with pride to be offered the position of captain. But now, he felt differently. He thought about what it would entail, and how it would change his duties…_

_He bowed politely. "I'm honored by the offer, but I decline. I'm sorry."_

_Renji felt the cold stares of the captains surrounding him. "Is that so?" Yamamoto said. "May I inquire as to why?"_

"_I would like to have more missions in the real world," Renji said quickly. "If I become a captain, I won't be able to do that."_

_He heard familiar footsteps behind him, and he closed his eyes tightly, anticipating what was going to happen._

"_Captain Commander," Byakuya Kuchiki said cooly. "Please let me handle my subordinate from here."_

_Yamamoto nodded to show his approval, and Renji hesitantly turned around to face his captain._

"_Abarai Renji," Byakuya started. His eyes were cold and emotionless as he icily explained his disapproval of Renji announcing his intent to decide his own missions, much less to the Captain Commander. _

_Renji bowed down as his listened, nodding in understanding. His face felt hot from the shameful situation. Still, when Byakuya's lecture was through, he had not changed his mind. He told him that he still wished for more missions in the real world._

_His captain started at him coldly. "I have no use for a lieutenant who is not satisfied with the missions he is given. You understand the nature of your position in Sixth Division, and that you will seldom be sent to the real world." He narrowed his eyes. "You should reconsider your request or you run the risk of being demoted."_

_Renji squeezed his eyes closed tightly. "I understand," he said quietly. "But what I requested… I'm not changing it." _

"_Very well," Byakuya sighed, taking a step toward Renji. "You leave me no choice." He gracefully extended a slender hand toward Renji, his palm facing upwards. "Your lieutenant's badge."_

_Renji inhaled sharply. He had not expected Byakuya to demote him immediately. After a few seconds of hesitation, he reached toward his sleeve, clasped the badge, and tore it off in one quick tug. _

_After Byakuya had the badge, Renji was dismissed from the meeting. _

_Though Renji knew he should have been upset about what just happened, he felt like it was insignificant. He wandered aimlessly for a while, until a short while later, when he was approached by Hisagi Shuuhei._

"_Abarai," Hisagi called out, running to catch up with him. _

_Renji stopped and turned around._

"_Congratulations, Captain Hisagi," Renji forced a smile, nodding toward Hisagi's Ninth Division captain robes. "I noticed you in the meeting, but I figured it wasn't the best time for me t' tell you that."_

_Hisagi grinned. "Probably not… Heavy atmosphere in there tonight. You shocked everyone by turning down the captain's offer. No one could've called that."_

"_Ah, probably not," Renji nodded in agreement. _

"_I don't totally understand your reasons for it, but I won't ask you any questions about why you don't want to be a captain."_

"_Thanks," Renji responded._

"…_But I do what to talk to you about that other thing you said," Hisagi finished._

"_Eh? What other thing?"_

"_About wanting more missions in the real world. Were you serious about that?" Hisagi asked._

_Renji looked at him uneasily. "Yeah," he replied. "What about it?"_

_Hisagi grinned. "I have an offer for you then."_

_He raised an eyebrow. "What's that?"_

"_Ninth Division has been assigned the task of dealing with all of the stray arrancar that have been showing up in the real world since Aizen's defeat. A lot of the town guardians aren't strong enough to handle some of the more difficult arrancar, and Captain Mayuri has predicted that Aizen set something up so all these arrancar will keep showing up at random times for years to come. Probably some sort of last resort tactic… Even if he was defeated, he still wanted to mess with us for a while," Hisagi explained._

"_Tch," Renji said. "Figures, even from beyond the grave..."_

"_Yeah," Hisagi nodded in agreement. "So this kind of work will require a lot of time spent in the real world, which is what you're asking for. The other thing I'm looking for is a good lieutenant."_

"_Eh?" Renji said with surprise. "Are you asking me?"_

"_Yeah. Since Captain Kuchiki demoted you, I thought you might be interested in a lieutenant's seat in another division. It would really help me out, too. I've been trying to find a good prospect, but there's no one in my division that seems ready for it yet."_

_Hisagi grinned at him again. "So what do you say? I discussed the possibility with the Captain Commander, and he said it would be acceptable. It just depends on how you feel about it."_

_Renji mulled it over for a few moments, but the decision was not difficult. He looked up at Hisagi and nodded firmly. "Alright, Captain. I accept."_

* * * * *

Ichigo was silent for a while, digesting the information. "When did they give you that offer?"

"It was a few weeks after—" Renji started to answer, then suddenly stopped. He was about to say _a few weeks after your death_, but it felt ludricrous to say such a thing to the man standing before him. "About two months after Aizen's defeat."

Ichigo nodded solemnly. "To turn down a Captain's position, though. I'm surprised. I would've thought it was one of the things you were aiming for. What about your goal of surpassing Byakuya?"

"Tch," Renji said, furrowing his brow. "That's a goal I forgot about a long time ago. After the final battle against Aizen, it felt empty… I figured there'd be no point in trying t' achieve a goal I quit caring about."

"I see," Ichigo said, nodding again. "So, why _did_ you suddenly want to start having more missions in the real world all of the sudden?" Ichigo's eyes met Renji's, and he felt like the stare was burning into his very soul.

Renji's mouth opened as though he was going to speak, but no sound came out. The reason for wanting to take on real world missions was a truth he had not even admitted to himself. He could not bring himself to say it aloud.

Ichigo made no move to break the silence, and Renji had no idea what to say. They stared at each other, and Renji found himself feeling caught up in the deep sadness of Ichigo's eyes. Finally, Ichigo gave a tight nod, as if in understanding… or perhaps in sad realization.

Renji felt the breath catch in his throat, and closed his eyes, almost wishing that Ichigo had not realized the answer his silence meant. He had altered his entire future because of a vague notion that he would find himself standing before Ichigo again, even if only for a moment.


	10. Chapter 10  Epilogue

Title: His Solitude

Rating: M (for adult themes)

Characters: Renji/Ichigo

Chapter: 10 of 10

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

Warning: **Spoiler warning**. Follows manga canon until chapter 338.

* * *

CHAPTER TEN

EPILOGUE

After he returned to Soul Society, Renji immediately reported to Captain Hisagi. He started to give him a detailed account of his findings, including the appearance of the arrancar, but Hisagi stopped him.

"You came back after only seeing one arrancar, so I can guess what you're going to tell me," Hisagi said cheerfully. "There's no major threat in the area, right?"

Renji nodded affirmatively. "Yeah, that's my opinion."

"Great," Hisagi grinned. "I'll read your report when you get done with it, but there's no hurry. Unless something unexpected comes up, I won't be sending you out again for a few days."

Outside of Hisagi's office, Captain Kira was waiting. Renji felt his stomach twist in anxiousness as they greeted each other.

They exchanged pleasantries for a few seconds before Kira asked what had happened.

"I'll be givin' a report to Captain Hisagi about what I found out what I was there. I can let you know when it's done," Renji replied nonchalantly. "Nothin' interesting, though."

"Ah, yes, but I suppose what I'm more interested in is that other thing we had discussed," Kira said, keeping his voice low. He studied Renji carefully. "Did you find anything?"

Renji took a deep breath, and he felt his heart begin to pound frantically. He looked Kira straight in the eyes. "There was no trace of Ichigo Kurosaki," he told him. He was surprised at how easily the lie rolled off his tongue.

Kira continued to study him, calming taking in his apperance, and Renji prayed that the bandana tied around his forehead would hide any telltale drops of sweat. The captain had an intense, penetrating gaze, and even if Renji had been truthful with him, that stare would have made him extremely nervous.

Finally, Kira's expression softened, and he nodded. "Thank you for your efforts, Lieutenant," he said quietly. "I won't question you on this matter any further." He smiled sadly at him, then turned and walked away.

Renji felt the breath catch in his throat as he watched Kira's back. Had Kira really believed his lie? He felt as though he had seen right through him.

For a few brief moments, he wondered just how much Kira had silently inferred over the years. The thought of anyone else knowing about his secrets, and what he and Ichigo had shared, made his stomach twist into painful knots…

But finally, he discarded the idea. It was unlikely that Kira had anything more than a sneaking suspicion. Even if he had figured out any of Renji's secrets, he had kept silent for fifteen years, and there was nothing Renji could do to convince Kira that he was wrong without Renji drawing more suspicion upon himself. Besides, there were more pressing things surfacing in Renji's mind.

Though Renji probably should have just returned to his own quarters, there was another place he wanted to be.

He slowly walked to the abandoned barrack that Section X had once used, located on the outskirts of Soul Society. After passing through a thick grove of trees, he reached a clearing, and he knew he had arrived. The outline of a building came into sight.

Outside of this small, deteriorating building, he and his section had trained in private until their hands were raw and blistered, and they barely had the strength to lift their blades. The barrack was small, old, and out of the way, so it was no longer used. There had been a brief time when the Protection Squad had used it years before, but newer quarters were built, and the barracks were left, forgotten.

Renji wandered inside of the building, and headed straight to the separate room, far removed from the other beds, where he and Ichigo first collided all those years ago. When he had stayed there, the taste of Rukia's death was still fresh and painful, and the fear of Aizen's plot still touched the land.

He sat on his old bed, and buried his face in his hands. Despite all the old, painful memories swimming on the edge of his consciousness, it was a recent memory that was demanding his attention, and it burned the most painfully of all.

_As Renji and Ichigo stood together in Ichigo's apartment, the silence between them stretched on until Renji felt he could no longer stand it. Yet after all was said and done, he had no idea what else to say. Ichigo broke the tension by leaving to take a shower. Renji quietly collected his thoughts, and realized that he had all of the answers he had wanted from Ichigo… even to questions he didn't know he had._

_He realized that his mission—both his primary and secondary mission—had been completed, and there was nothing left to do but leave. Renji knew it was the only conclusion he could come to, but his chest felt heavy as he considered it._

_When Ichigo emerged from the shower, he studied Renji's face for a moment, and lowered his head. "You've gotta go back to Soul Society now, huh," he muttered._

"_Yeah," Renji said solemnly. The doleful mood in the room was stifling. Renji slowly stood up and started to walk toward the door._

"_Hey, Renji," Ichigo called out quietly._

"_Hm?"_

"_Are you going to tell everyone about me being here?" Ichigo asked solemnly. "Or did you find the reason you said you needed?"_

"_There's no need t' worry," Renji said gravely. His eyes locked on Ichigo's. "Your secret's safe. I think we both have a couple a' secrets about each other that we'll carry t' the grave." _

_Once again, Renji turned around and started to walk toward the door. Just as he stretched his hand out toward the doorknob, Ichigo spoke again, and Renji realized he was standing directly behind him._

"_Listen, if you ever happen to come back to this place…" he hesitated, his voice low. "I may… I may not mind seeing you again." _

"_I don't know if I'll ever see you again or not," he replied unsteadily. Renji pulled a trembling hand away from the doorknob and turned around to meet Ichigo's uncertain gaze._

_Then they shared a final, parting kiss, and all Renji could feel in Ichigo's warm mouth was hopelessness and desperation. He found himself getting lost in it for a moment, but like everything else he had once enjoyed, it had to end._

_They pulled apart, nodded good-bye, and Renji quickly exited without another word._

_As soon as he had gotten a few feet out of Ichigo's apartment, he felt a panicky tightness in his chest, like the wind had just been knocked out of him. Despite being outside in the fresh air, it felt like he was being crushed, and he could not breathe. _

_With great difficulty, he forced himself forward, and with each step back toward Soul Society's routine, toward a normal so-called life, he pushed any anxious feelings away, and buried them deep inside of himself, knowing that he had to hide away everything when he was back amongst his peers._

Alone in the former Section X barracks, Renji sat on his old bed, his shoulders shaking uncontrollably despite the comfortable temperature of the room. Already, he could feel the recent memory of their parting slipping into the overwhelming sea of painful memories he carried with him.

In truth, the memories weren't just hard for him; they _haunted_ him. They flooded his mind uncontrollably, and all he could do was tremble in solitude as he felt himself becoming overtaken.

_Tch, come to think of it, even the memories I used to call happy are hard t' think about now,_ he thought to himself. He recalled them one by one, feeling as though he was slowly drowning in the bittersweet sadness.

He remembered his difficult childhood in the Rukongai, watching his closest companions die until none but Rukia were left. They stood together next to the graves of their friends when Rukia solemnly announced that they should join Soul Society. He would have gone anywhere with her at that moment, for she was the only thing in his life that had not yet faded from his view forever, and the person he most deeply cared for.

Yet then Byakuya Kuchiki took her away, and though she was temporarily out of reach, he resolved to follow her. He remembered the pride in his achievements, as he found himself slowly moving up the ranks of the Gotei 13 until he took a position as a lieutenant.

In sharp contrast to those feelings of achievement, he remembered the crushing defeat he suffered by Byakuya's hand, the man who he had set as his goal in order to restore his former relationship with Rukia. Yet still, in his defeat, his desire to become stronger burned… Those old feelings had long since smouldered now.

Even with the pending threat of Aizen's plans did not steal away all of his happiness. He thought of the happy times with Rukia, when he would come to the real world and interrupt the school she was attending with Ichigo and the others. In those days, he used to fight with Ichigo constantly.

But once Inoue Orihime was stolen away by the arrancar, his memories all turned bitter. Whether physical pain or mental anguish, everything made him feel the same sense of defeat.

He recalled the bloodstained battlefield, as he searched for Aizen, with Ichigo by his side, his steely eyes only focused forward and his mind focused purely on retribution.

And then, he remembered two such occasions that beared several similarties, such as being surrounded by the wounded, and more particularly, Ichigo pulling his own wounded, useless body from battle. Ichigo saved his life twice, Renji thought with despair, and he wondered if it would have been better if both of them had ended their miserable lives at that time.

And now the final memory flitted across his mind, and he felt his chest tighten painfully at the rememberance. It was as though he could still feel Ichigo's warm, trembling body pressed desperately against him. He could hear their hot, panting breaths echoing in unison.

The short feeling of elation, and the drowning of sorrow and loneliness… The only moment that Renji could remember that had not been tinged with melancholy.

And now, he was sitting by himself, alone, with no one to share that despair with. Yet even if Ichigo was around, he wondered if their sadness would still keep drowning them. It was unlikely that he would ever see Ichigo again, but now he knew he was still out there somewhere. The thought of one person sharing in the tragedy of a continuing existence was only a miniscule comfort to Renji as he continued to tremble in the darkness, in the old, dusty room, feeling alone and hopeless.

"Tch, I guess I can't complain too much," he murmured to himself, his voice trembling. Renji raised his hands to his lips unconsciously as he thought about his parting kiss with Ichigo. "At least this time, I got t' say good-bye."


End file.
